Slipping Through My Fingers | Xicheng

Chapter 12

"Daddy don't, I can do it myself." A-Tian protested, grabbing the comb and starting to do his own hair.

Lan Xichen chuckled, but nodded in agreement. He sat on the side and observed the nine-year-old. A-Tian has been trying to be self-sufficient in many things lately. He studied on his own in the Library Pavilion, with his nose buried between pages all the time. Lan Xichen was certain that his brother had something to do with it. Lan Wangji was a great uncle, and Ren Tian adored him, making him his role model. Well, he was learning something from all of them, but considering Ren Tian and Lan Zhan's similarities in character, it was of no surprise that the two got along so well.

His son showed many of the qualities of a good leader. He was helpful, knew how to negotiate, and was very smart for his age. But sometimes it made Lan Xichen worry about him.

He thought about his own experience while growing up. He had to be strong and understanding; he couldn't have any flaws as the heir to the Sect. His parents' situation only made it all the harder for him, and for Lan Wangji as well. They were both lonely, but there was a difference. While Lan Wangji mostly chose solitude, Lan Xichen was alone in a crowd of people.

Ren Tian spent time with Sizhui and A-Ling, but other than that, he preferred to be alone. Being among his peers wasn't his favorite thing in the world, and although he did play with them from time to time, he stayed on the side for most of the time, reading or practicing his cultivation. Yes, he started practicing his cultivation at a very young age, and they couldn't be prouder, but it also put pressure on him. A-Tian was basically still a child, but he felt like he had to be independent because everyone's eyes were on him.

That's why he didn't let them do his hair anymore, even though he was evidently struggling with a big strand of tangled hair.

"Will you let me do it?" Lan Xichen asked softly, moving closer to the boy and reaching out for the comb.

A-Tian huffed but gave him the comb anyway, straightening his shoulders and flipping all his hair back so his father could comb it easily.

Lan Xichen smiled. "You know, A-Tian, being a big boy doesn't mean that you have to do everything on your own. Whenever you have some struggles or thoughts that won't let you sleep peacefully, you can come to me, your Baba, uncles Wangji and Huaisang, or whoever you want, and we will help you. Being big and mature also means being able to ask for help when we need it. It's not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Do you understand?"

"Yes daddy, I understand."

***

Seeing Ren Tian bringing him dinner was not one of the things that Lan Xichen thought may happen that day. On the contrary, he was certain that the young man would avoid him as long as his presence at Lotus Pier lasts. His jaw was clenched, as were his hands on the wooden tray he held. If sight could kill, Lan Xichen would have lain dead long ago.

"Here, I brought you dinner to make sure no one poisons you out of spite for you being an absolute mindless jerk."

"I love you," Lan Xichen blurred out, and in response, the tray was pressed into his chest.

"Whatever. Just eat it, and you will regain all your strength that is needed for you to leave. It's enough that I had to nurse Baba back to health, because of all of you morons. " He turned around on his heel, but Lan Xichen quickly grabbed his hand and turned him back towards himself.

"What do you mean?" He asked worriedly. "Did something happen to A-Cheng?"

Ren Tian jerked his hand away and measured the man with a disgusted and stern gaze.

"He tried to unalive himself because of your selfishness. because many of you think of him as a not that relevant part of your lives, and you are not able to put him first."

He turned on his heel and left Lan Xichen totally dumbfounded. His words washed over him like a bucket of ice cold water. Was it that? Was it the reason why A-Cheng seemed so weak and tired when he saw him in the Conference Hall?

He felt his heart breaking just by imagining what his dearest has gone through. And it was all his fault.

On shaky legs, he ran out of the room, straight for his husband's, well, ex-husband's chambers.

***

After an abundance of guests that day, Jiang Cheng was tired. He was tired and ready to go to bed early, as he had already changed into his night robe. However, he was severely startled when someone barged into the room.

Lan Xichen went straight for him and started looking at him and turning him around as if he was looking for something. Jiang Cheng pushed the man away.

"Take those hands away! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Is it true? Did you harm yourself?" He looked at him pitifully, and Jiang Cheng squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before looking him straight in the eyes.

"Did Lan Wangji tell you? Of course he did, no one else here would do it without beating you to the pulp."

Lan Xichen shook his head and said, "No, it wasn't him, but it doesn't matter who did it. What matters is if you are alright, so tell me. Are you still hurting somewhere? "

He looked at the Lan as if he was an idiot. "Why? Does the thought of me being in any sort of pain give you pleasure? Or are you happy that you helped me hit rock bottom? " He asked those questions in such a monotone voice that it made shivers run down Lan Xichen's spine.

"Of course not. I could never... I know I hurt you and our son immensely, but it could never give me any satisfaction. I love the both of you, and seeing you in pain breaks my heart."

"You thought about that a little bit too late, don't you think? After destroying what we had built over the years, all that love and trust... Am I supposed to trust you again and hope that you won't pull more of your dumb shit? For fucks sake I thought of you as of the most rational person that I know, right after Lan Qiren." He said angrily, and Zidian slightly flickered.

"No, I am aware that it doesn't work this way. I knew my decision won't be damageless, that it will hurt people, but I still went for it. I never wanted to see that look in your eyes. The one you had each time you lost someone close to you. The one that never left you in those days when Ren Tian fell ill, and we weren't sure if he would open his eyes ever again. That one was the most painful to see. But not only that. You had multiple panic attacks, and you had to rely on calming herbs for some weeks after he regained consciousness." Lan Xichen had tears in his eyes as he was talking, painful memories coming back to him.

"It's not the same." Jiang Cheng argued, turning his head away. He always went soft when he looked at the older man's face, and he couldn't allow himself that at that moment.

"It kind of is." He took a deep breath, as it was still a bit difficult for him to stand for too long. "But this time I wouldn't be able to do anything in order to help you. I laid motionless, most days I didn't even have the strength to open my eyes, let alone speak. You and Ren Tian would have to watch, and I would be helpless. I would've been able to only watch as your eyes lost their sparkle and your faces tried to take on a happy expression, just so I wouldn't feel worse about it all. I know, because Uncle and Wangji acted just like that, only they were more awkward about it, like they were walking on eggshells. I put them all in a terrible position, and they had to break many Sect rules because of me. I am ashamed of that. I hope you won't hold them accountable for my actions. I know that everyone makes their own decisions, but still..."

Jiang Cheng nooded. "They had to choose where their full loyalty lay, and of course they chose their immediate family, their Sect Leader. I know it doesn't mean that I matter little to them." He took a couple of steps back and sat on the edge of his bed. "But it's not easy. I got hurt too much."

"I promise to you, that if you give me a chance I will never do anything to harm you in any way again. If I do, you can kill me yourself."

Jiang Cheng sighed. "I am not sure if I have it in me to forgive you."