Grey

Twenty-Two

[RORY]

I stared at my bedroom ceiling, forcefully lacing my fingers together on my stomach. I'd just set my phone on the nightstand and wanted it to stay there but the impulse was too strong as I reached over, giving in and grabbing it.

I'd spent the first few minutes of my morning on the phone with Finn - a pleasant way to wake up, given his innate capacity to be wildly charming at any point of the day. While he'd quietly rambled on about how well their shows in Denmark had been, my stupid brain was stuck on our blurry conversation from a few nights prior. I'd bitten the bullet and brought up Keira, but still had no concrete answers. Finn was blissfully ignorant to the churning waters in my head, hanging up with pleasantries and a promise to check in when he had some time.

I hated myself for comparing every little thing to Max, having spent many a morning on the phone with him while he was on tour, as well. I knew better than to pit them against each other - the list of differences was a long one, far more than that of similarities. That said, it was easy to feel a bit of deja vu - remembering how my heart warmed hearing his voice before anyone else's, and remembering how cold the bucket of water felt when I learned many of those mornings, he had actually been laying beside someone else.

I shamelessly opened Instagram, knowing very well I was about to ruin my mood for at least the day. I hadn't indulged myself yet but was finally giving into the little voice in the back of my mind, searching Keira's full name - thanks to Jack, for conveniently letting her last name slip. I found her profile pretty quickly, given that it was verified, immediately regretting it. While there was nothing overtly screaming I've fucked the guy you like, there were plenty of posts of White Noise. The rational part of my brain reminded me that it was how she made a living - she was a photographer. The irrational part of my brain picked up on the fact that a lot of photos posted in the galleries were of Finn - on stage, backstage, on the bus. I didn't see anything that confirmed my suspicions, so I dug deeper.

When I transitioned to her tagged photos, I felt my stomach do a flip. All of the photos - she was quite the party girl, always looking a solid 10 out of 10. But those didn't bother me nearly as much as the single one that appeared near the top. I clicked on it, seeing a group of people at a party, seated on a couch. There were a handful of faces I didn't recognize, besides Jack squeezing in from the back. My eyes weren't on him though, settled on Finn squeezed in between two guys - and Keira positioned conveniently on his right thigh, seated as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I studied every aspect of their positioning, her tongue playfully out, her palm pressed against his other thigh in balance, his fingers holding her in place, wrapped around her hip. Finn's eyebrows were raised and mouth was slightly agape in a pose, but I wouldn't allow myself to be happy he wasn't smiling. I was too busy doing math, seeing that the date it was posted was just before July 4 - just before Cal's pool party, when I'd noticed the hickies on his neck. I knew I could be drawing conclusions, but I didn't care, shutting my phone off and returning my gaze to the ceiling.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, not expecting the heavy weight on my chest. I needed to get up, simultaneously hating that the hurt was self induced but that I'd also allowed myself to already have become so invested in him, that I cared so much. "Stupid. So fucking stupid."

I pulled myself out of bed, even though the sun was barely up. I vaguely remembered Em saying her and Bryce were planning to go on a quick hike before work, feeling the familiar need to tone my body. I felt absolutely pathetic as I quickly changed and brushed my teeth, practicing my reasoning knowing fully well Em would be trying to read between the lines.

I wasn't sure what the hell was going on with me, feeling the need to cry for the first time in months. I fought it, dragging myself to the kitchen and making coffee. When Bryce and Em emerged from the bedroom, half awake but dressed for the hike, I forced a smile and handed them their own respective mugs of fuel.