Beautiful, Grey World (Trillie)

17

January

Tré had started up school again. He had to stay later than he normally does, since he had more work to do. It was also harder than the work he had to do his previous semesters. Add on the fact that he was working on his final project there (he said it was a surprise for me, so I couldn't see it) he was staying there a lot of the time. It was fine by me.

When he started school again and asked if I was okay with him staying late, I said it was completely okay! I mean, why wouldn't it be? But I didn't think he would still be at college when I got home from work. Some days, he wouldn't even be back until after I had gone to bed.

Going to work during this month was awful. I was having to adjust from seeing Tré pretty much all the time I was home to not seeing him at all once I got to work. Kevin had also quit working at Guitar Center, and now I was working with someone I didn't know. Mike still visited every day, and sometimes he brought Kevin with him which was nice. But still. I felt awful, and it was probably pretty obvious that I was.

But Tré would get done with his project soon, and once that happened, I would be back to normal.

February

February was more of the same. The only new, interesting thing that happened was that I started to play guitar more often. I even joined a small band that played at a bar every other Saturday.

I had started counting the hours I got to see Tré on the days he went to college. On a good day, 8 hours. On a bad day, maybe 3. At least I get to see him on Fridays and the weekend.

And, because of how little I got to see him, I started to... have doubts. Sometimes I would think Tré might've been seeing someone at his college. I didn't think he would do that, but it was hard to get those thoughts out of my head. Especially when he couldn't come home for Valentines Day. But he did get to stay home all day on my birthday. And he seemed like he loved me still. He was super clingy. But then Monday came. And he stayed even longer at college. I mean, if Tré did find someone better for him, I don't think I'd be super angry at him. They'd probably be better than me anyway.

God. I need help. I need Mike, actually. He'll know what to do and won't judge me. Well, he wouldn't judge me too harshly. If I did something really bad and awful, he would tell me that. But he'd try to be nice about it, y'know?

But I would call him some time later. Probably in March. Right now, it's the 24th. Me and Tré's one year. I took him to the bar that I played at, and gave him an amazing performance. He was so happy, It almost made me want to forget my doubts and fears. But when we got home that night, while I was holding him in bed, I just got scared again.

Yeah. I'm gonna need to call Mike.

March

I spent the last week of February debating on whether to deal with my problem. I tried to do everything to just stop the thoughts. I made sure I was taking my meds, I spent as much time with Tré as I could, I even learned how to cook better so I could surprise Tré when he came home on Thursday! Just so that he could think I was a good partner.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking that he didn't love me as much. So I called Mike.

"Alright, what's wrong? You specifically asked me not to bring Kevin, so this is really bad. What is it?"

I fidgeted around with a drawstring of the jacket I was wearing. I had a plan laid out on how I was gonna tell Mike, but the Mike in my imagination was different then the real life him.

"Well? I don't mean to rush, but I don't have all day, Billie."

"Well... y'know how Tré's been staying over at his college more often? I've been having doubts that he still loves me. And... maybe is with someone else."

Mike's eyes went wide. "Are you sure that that's true?"

"No! I'm not sure! And that's the thing, the only reason why I'm having these thoughts is because I'm not spending as much time with him. Its not Tré's fault, he's literally done nothing. Its just my own brain. And before you ask, I have been taking my anxiety meds."

Mike sat there, processing what I said. He sat, deep in thought. Eventually, he spoke up.

"Do you think you're having those thoughts because of relationships you've grown up around? Like, your mom never really got over the death of your dad, your older brother abandoned his soulmate, Jason never actually found out who his was, and, hell, that one fucking website-what was it, 'find your actual true love'?-got really popular when we were in highschool. You've basically only known bad relationships. You probably expect this one to be bad as well."

I blinked slowly as I took in everything Mike had said. I guess he was right. I haven't really been around any healthy, normal relationships. Mike and Kevin's relationship is the only good one I know of. Damn. I need more friends and not just Mike.

"Have you ever considered being a therapist? I think you'd do great. But, uh, anyway, I think your right. I didn't even really believe that Tré would be the kind of person to cheat on someone, I was just incredibly worried. And I think I need to hang around more people, heh." I tried to make this serious conversion a little bit lighthearted.

"I'm just a good therapist with you, and yeah, you really need more friends. But, and this is just a suggestion, not me telling you you have to do this, I think you should tell Tré about your insecurities. It'll probably help you feel better about your relationship."

I sighed. I knew Mike would suggest that, but I still thought there might've been a chance he didn't.

"Yeah. You're right. I should. I will. Just... might take me a bit. I'll get it done before the month's over."

Mike nodded, and we fell into silence. I wanted to suggest that he could stay a bit longer, but I also wanted to be alone. Plus, he said earlier he didn't have all day, so he should probably go. And Tré will be home soon (2 hours from now soon).

"Well, thanks for the talk, Mike. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome. I should go home now. Kevin's waiting for me. Bye, and good luck."

Saturday, March 30th

I put it off long enough. Today, I would tell Tré all about my fears of him... being unfaithful. I don't know how he'll take it. He might break up with me. He might leave me forever. But I'd rather he leave me, then for me to have this burden on my back forever. I guess. I'm not fully convinced on that.

"Honey? What is it you wanted to talk about?" Tré asked. He was sitting next to me on the couch, holding onto my hand.

"Well..." My heart was racing, and it felt like my chest was caving in on itself. But I had to get through this. "You know how I have really bad anxiety? And how you're kinda never around? Both of those combined made me start to think... you were cheating on me."

"What?! Wh- did I do something wrong? I'm sor-"

"No! No, Tré, you did nothing wrong. It's just the fact that I haven't seen you around a lot, and I'm clingy so I want you around, y'know, and you spend all your time at your school, and, yeah. I'm sorry I thought that about you, because you don't deserve being thought of as a cheater. I know your busy. I know your working hard on your project. And I know that, since your spending all that time working on it, it probably looks amazing. But I hope you forgive me."

"Billie, baby, its not your fault. Mike told me a couple days after we got together that you didn't really know about good relationships. But you seemed to be so... 'normal,' for lack of a better word, with our relationship. I'm not gonna blame you for your thoughts. But I do think you need therapy."

"I know. I'll start as soon as I can. I'm just happy you're not mad at me." I pulled Tré into a hug, holding him tight against me.

"I'm not gonna be angry at you for thinking. That's silly."

I smiled, feeling a whole lot better than I had for the past 2 months. Maybe things could get better.