Watermelons With Anxiety

Sometimes, It's Just Not Enough

Lately I have been asking myself the question as to why I start things, start them with enough passion and vitality that I would assume will be enough, and then end up abandoning it.
Yeah, we have all heard about discipline and procrastination, self motivation, blah blah blah.
Can we be real though? Half the time, it's a question of 'How badly do you want it?'
And the answer, at least in my case, is not that badly.

In my opinion, we care a lot less about ourselves than we might think. We will do things for others that we will probably never do for ourselves.
For example, I have this bad habit of wanting to take care of other people in a 'if I can't fix it, at least let me soothe it' type of way. I say bad habit because it has never ended well for me, for all my good intentions.
You give, and give some more, and give again till you have run dry. But you will never even think of doing that for yourself.

This is not me saying you should stop helping or caring for people. Hell, this has nothing to do with other people. This has to do with what it takes for us to do unto us what we do unto others.

The kicker about building discipline from my own experience, is a twinge of ambition and self care. Note that when I use care, I also refer to love.

Ambition.
Before, I was excited about things a lot more than I am today, especially academically. Like, the lowest I will tolerate from myself was a B. Now? I really don't care for that. I've gotten to the point where I want just the bare minimum to get where I need to.
And this has gotten into other parts of my life. I have accepted mediocrity. After all, who am I trying to impress, right?
I'm majoring in computer science because I wanted to build stuff. I still want to build stuff, but I know that I am not the first to have these ideas. I really wanted to make a music player app, but there are already lots of good ones out there, and they satisfy my needs. After all, who am I trying to impress, right?

Self care.
I am on the ever loving journey of fitness. One day I want to go for a run, try to do pushups, squats and all that. I will go 2 months or more with full consistency and just.... Stop.
You see, I built my pushup strength last year. My goal was to be able to hit at least 1 proper pushup, and I did. I could hit 15, and I was able to hit 5 with some weights on me. Then I injured myself, and had to stop.
It's been months and I am barely able to squeeze out 2.
It's not a great feeling. And my mindset shifted to, 'what do you even need all this strength for? Who are you going to fight? Are you going to join the military? You don't even like touching people, so who are you going to carry?'
The will to even try is mostly gone. Because I understand that I am fine, as I am. I kinda like what I see in the mirror. I'm taking good enough care of myself.

People always talk about how bad complacency is. Is it though? What is wrong with being content with what you have? Not everyone wants to be ambitious, or at the top. Some of us like a quiet life.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

The point I am trying to drive is, sometimes we are just not enough motivation for ourselves. Sometimes, we need something to help us get the ball rolling.
Is it your health? Your family? Your partner? Your kids? Pets? Whatever.
Sometimes, it's easier to do it for them than it is for us. And if that is what it takes, so be it.

I want to make my parents proud of me, and good grades will always be a good belly tickle for them.
I want to look absolutely snatched in the mirror, and be able to move my body around freely, and love every second I spend time doing something to prove someone wrong.

See? The power of spite, and vengeance can be a pushing force to better ourselves, not to hurt someone else.
And if that is what it takes, so be it.
But by all means, don't stop trying.

Tis 10:14am, I have homework due tonight so I am going to try to study. Those grades won't make themselves.
Til next time, mon ami(e)