Hidden

Of course

Eleni's Pov 

It's a few days after my little day with Oliver. I have only seen him at training and in history class. 

The last few days have been lonely. 

No Carmen. 

No Oliver. 

No Sara, Allie and Juliet.

Training with the football team has been quiet at the moment because due to the bad weather the games take a break and resume a few weeks after Christmas. I have just been collecting cones, cleaning gear and organising the equipment. 

Olly and I  finally finished our history project and presented it so we don't have to worry about that any more. 

I'm walking through the halls when I see Jane laughing while looking at me. When I walk past her she stands i front of me. 

"I bet your so excited for the winter ball, oh wait they probably won't let you in" she laughs. 

"Why wouldn't they let me in" I say, thinking there was no valid reason as to why they wouldn't let me into a school dance. 

"When you decided to not attend a very important student council meeting we took it upon ourselves to decide the theme" she says to me in a passive aggressive tone. 

"I don't have a problem with that, I told Juliet to go ahead with it" I say getting increasingly more confused. 

"Well we collectively decided that the special element to the ball would be that you bring a parent with you as your escort " "you won't be allowed bring anyone but a parent or guardian" she says huge smirk on her face. 

I can't respond. I have nothing to say so I keep walking. I go out to the front of the school and sit on one of the benches. I don't even cry my heart is just broken. 

It dawns on me that not only can I not go with my dad. I can't go with my mum either. 

She doesn't love me enough for that. 

I can't bring any other family because I don't have any. I have no other family. 

My mums parents haven't seen me in 15 years, they have no interest in me and I have never been close with my grandparents on my dads side either. They didn't like my dad. They thought that he should have left my mum the moment he realised she didn't love him. But he didn't and they held that against him for his whole life. 

The feeling of your heart being broken is something that's hard to explain. It's almost like an emotion in itself because your not angry or your not anxious maybe your a bit sad but it's a combination of sadness and a complete feeling of numbness that just consumes you. It feels like you are out of control for a period of time. It feels like your mind is making decisions for you and your thoughts are  preoccupied by that one constant feeling of heartbreak. It's a feeling that is always subconsciously waiting to be relived. 

Heartbroken is how I felt for months after my dad died. I didn't want anything but to be with him. 

As I said there will always be a little piece of heartbreak that will stay with me forever but that's not something I can get rid of. 

I sit there alone. Lost in my thoughts. 

Another thought that comes to me is the past. The nature of anxiety causes you to worry about what's to come in the future by i increasingly find myself both anxious about the future and upset about what I have done. 

Being by myself the last few days has given my mind the opportunity to fill my mind with unhelpful thoughts 

As I just sit in silence it occurred to me how much I have changed.