I Remember

Naked dreams

While in the USA, I would have crazy dreams of being back home, sitting on the porch, not being able to go outside the porch because I didn't have any slippers or shoes, nor clothes. In my dream I'd be naked and froze, just standing there crying in shame because I wasn't dressed or have shoes.
These dreams come from my reality back home, sitting on the porch, not being able to go outside because I didn't have not even a pair of flipflops. They cost $0.99. Nope I didn't have it.
The nakedness part of my dreams comes from not having proper clothing. We were the hand me down's queens. But the hand-me-downs clothes would be super used before they got to me, so it wouldn't last or look good for long. When I became a teenager and saw myself I grew ashamed, at that age I was starting to notice guys and knew that they would be looking at me too, but I was poor and mis dressed so I felt invisible. My aunt Mila was very skilled. She would draw nail art from her head on people nails and made money with that hustle. She would also roller set ladies's hair from the neighborhood, that was another one of her hustles. Soon she abandoned the roller setting because it kept her from enjoying her weekends, people got demanding and she had a bad attitude. So I learned the hustle and took her clientele. I would roll 10 heads for $0.50 a head every weekend and that's how I was able to have lunch money and buy flip flops and a couple of outfits. Clothes were very cheap back then With $5.00 you could buy a whole outfit set. I didn't made much but I saved.
No body had flipflops at home so sometimes my aunt's would steal mines while I was at school and i would end up back on the porch with no shoes. Same with clothes and underwear. Every body was trying to survive. By any means necessary. I started hiding my clothes and shoes, I even took them to school with me. Especially the underwear and flip flops. Anything was for the taking. I ran out of hiding places.
Toothpaste, deodorant, soap etc, were a luxury. We had to buy our own and hide it too. But soon it would be found and used. Same with towels, It was a mess. If u had a nice towel it soon became a community towel, same as toothbrushes. Just nasty, no respect, consideration or anything. Everybody tried to survive, it's all they knew. I begin to hate my mother at this point.
Crab mentality. Everybody for themselves and God for us all. If u had it and they needed it, they would take it. No privacy, no nothing...
I wanted out of there, I needed to live and not just exist, it was awful. No love.
I wondered why would mom knowing she didn't grow up in that house, would leave us there. I truly hated my mom. I couldn't understand why we would be so poor without the need to be. Why wasn't she hurrying up to get us, why she left us in that pig house. I couldn't come to terms with why would she not love us enough to get us out of there. I figured that was not my life to live, I didn't come from there, all I ever knew was love and care. I didn't belong there, that wasn't my hell to live in. I wanted my Cuca, my Santo and my mommy.