I Remember

Christmas "Mourning"

At this time I'm assuming that everyone has realized that we were dirt poor. Holidays, and birthdays passed us by. My grandmother did what she could with the cards that she was dealt. Living with Leo the devil and kids that wasn't amounting to anything was rough on her and the household. Leo stayed angry and kicking everyone out and working. There was arguments from Sun up until Sun down. The madness never stopped.
The holidays were lively in Panama, the neighborhood came alive, one could smell food, hear the Christmas music, which include salsa, merengue and any genre that had Christmas lyrics attached to it. The smell of paint, and the lights and the spirit was thick around the holidays.
Everyone gets dressed on Christmas eve and go out to parties and gatherings, and the kids would stay up and everyone comes by your house and wish you a happy Christmas with a hug and kiss. That was the good part. For us; however, it was different. While we would cook a nice Christmas meal, and even had wine, because the different jobs will give away a Christmas bonus, a food box with a ham, food, a cake and even eggnog. So the food was given but as far as Christmas toys goes we didn't get any, too many people not enough money. So while everyone got dressed and went and mingle we went to bed. Grandma would turn off every light and go to sleep like nothing even happen. We would cry and slowly die, we just wanted to be normal.
On Christmas day, the kids would dress up in their new clothes and open their gifts and go out and show off their skates, bicycles, and such. We sat on the porch and lied to anyone who would ask about what Santa brought us. Truth be told I saw him last as a little child in San Joaquin.... He forgot our new address or never got it, I thought..
Yira had a bicycle, so she would go to the basketball court and ride along or borrow someone's skates and play. She was bold and liked by everyone. I just sat on the porch and felt sorry for myself.
Every year Leo's job would give toys away for Christmas, so some Christmases we would go to his job and stand in long lines and wait and see if they call his name to get a present. Sometimes, we would be there all day and get nothing. It was like a festival, with clowns and candy apples and vendors.
Leo would separate from us and go into full FBI mode when the hours will pass by and they wouldn't call his name, it was sad, we got balloons though. That was our last hope at gifts. Leo found out just how important he truly was at his job when all the rich kids got the gifts and we didn't. He was furious and embarrassed.
I prayed for January the 2nd. The holidays would be over by then, no more pressure.
I remember one Christmas my grandmother bought us some neon colors shirts and some leather mini skirts, we wore them with neon stockings, we thought we had it going on. We were pretty, so we thought. We had ankle high boots too, they were suede. The Indian hooked grandma up that year. Then for New years one year when the Miami Vice style came about, the Indian convinced grandma of buying some pants suits that were called Miami Vice. I think the style was for men. Well my aunt was seamstress so she would altered them to fit us. We walked all day long on new years with our suits on in the heat of the day.
Catholics mourn their deads for years. One year for a sibling, two for a child and three for a parent or spouse. For an entire year they wouldn't go out to parties, celebrated any holidays or birthdays, nor did they wear colorful clothing. Only black, white, gray, cream or any soft pale color. It supposed to show respect for the dead. Anyhow, my great grandmother aka Paulina died, after battling dementia and Alzheimer's disease plus tuberculosis. I believe it was in November because my grandmother canceled any further holiday. That year for Christmas grandmother cut the lights off at 8 and we had to go to bed. We could hear all the activities going on outside, the music, we could hear the noise, smell the food etc. We had cemented windows with holes in them. Life was going on outside and we was mourning the dead....I wasn't, I was mourning Christmas.