I Remember

Love Hurts

The WORD says that God will not give you any more than you can bear.
One day on March of 1993 my mother called. She had been to Panama the year before. She brought my brother with her, Junior as we all call him, he was about 6 years old. She surprised us. I was coming home from school and it was dark. I put my uniform up and changed into regular clothes, then went to the corner where we hung out at. I sat there with Marisol and just did as usual. Alonso had gone home for a moment, so it was just Marisol and I.
All of the sudden a cab pulled up into the parking lot. Out came a woman with a little boy, I seen her and couldn't believe my eyes. I had forgotten my mom, I hadn't loved her for a while, my love for her was asleep, I walked towards my mom, but my aunt Mila and Leonel got to her first. She locked eyes with me and we kind of hugged, I didn't know how to feel about it. I remember making myself cry. I had no emotional connection with her. The baby she left was no longer there, the 7 year old baby was no longer there, her baby was an empty shell.
"If you only knew momma, what all your baby went through, what all she had to endured, how many people hurt her, what these people said about you". If you only knew momma, how much I needed you momma, if you only knew momma how much I loved and hated you. If you only knew, how much damage and brokenness your absence helped built..."
My mom was a stranger to me, my brother just a little boy I met, no attachment, no relations. I didn't know these people, it'd been way too long, besides that little boy had taken my place, momma died to me after he was born.
While she was there, I tried to feel her, tried to get close to her, I tried to fit her in my world. I was glad she was there, but I didn't know how to act around her. I had forgotten how to love a mother, I was broken,
As I write this chapter, I cried for that little girl, the teenager, lost and angry, forced to grow up, with no childhood to recall, an orphan in my book, loveless, abandoned, hurt, mistreated, broken hearted, separated from all she had ever loved and known. A different girl than what momma left, Lord have Mercy!!!! POOR BABY!!
Momma stayed a couple of weeks, enough time to get my sister and I ready to come to the USA.
Once all was in order, she then left again, I missed her presence, my sister was.working most days, although she came by to see momma, she couldn't miss work so she didn't get to spend as much time as she would've wanted. I lived with grandma so I did. She brought us clothes and money, she went out with Alonso and I. She also met Eric, I tried to update her about my life then.
I had chosen to forget her so it was hard to fit her in. I had to learn to love my mom, it was hard. Love was an emotion I didn't allowed in my life, I liked people but I expected them to leave me. I didn't get close to anybody who had the power to leave me. Love was a luxury I couldn't afford.
Besides Eric and Alonso I didn't love anyone else, and that wasn't even true Love. I was thankful for the few who helped me and the family who did show love for me instead of talking me down and mistreating me one way or another. I will forever be grateful to them. Now that I am over most stuff in life I can look back and see how I'm able to love them now that my heart found forgiveness, empathy, compassion and God. To God be the Glory!!!
Momma was leaving, my uncle Boris, took her to the airport, I can't remember if I went or not. I know my sister couldn't come because she had to work. Mirtha was deeply saddened by her leaving. She said she cried at work, and often had nightmares of momma leaving her.
After all that she had been through, she loved momma. She has always been the sweet emotional sister. Poor Mirtha, I wonder how she dealt with things, but I can understand now why she has 6 kids by 6 different men, why she kept choosing the wrong men, why she kept looking for love, why she kept dating men like daddy.
Mom called on a Wednesday, she asked me was I ready to come to the USA, I yelled "yes I am". She asked when, I said tomorrow?. She said how about Saturday, I said ok.
I was happy to leave that joint. I was escaping from  It all, from all the madness.
I couldn't believe I was finally leaving it all behind. My sister chose to stay, she didn't want to go without her baby, she had a little girl whom every one said they would keep for her if she had to leave her. Momma promised her that she wouldn't have to wait long to send for her, but my sister had been bruised and battered by life, she couldn't leave her baby, she had found a guy and was "in love", she knew very well what happened to us, to her and was not about to do the same to her baby. Kathy would've been in better hands than we were. Her grandmother adored her, and had no other kids, plus she had a little money.
My sister didn't risk it, Mirtha's eyes had seen too much horror caused by those who supposedly love her, so she stayed. We all had an opinion but none of us went through what she'd been through so who were we to said anything. Of course we thought it was best for her, but she went through it so she stayed.
I was running away from it all, so I couldn't wait to leave it all behind. I was going home where I belonged, it'd been too long, it was all I could bear. "GOD KNEW"