Anger Management

2:45 PM

"Good afternoon! This is Target, how can I help you?"

"Hey, hey... do you sell those big band-aids that cover up the whole arm? I don't know the proper name for them, sorry."

"Not sure. Maybe. Possibly. Why? Plan on killing your family didn't work out?"

"Wow...you remember me? I thought our call would literally go in one ear, and then out the other as soon as you hang up. You must deal with so many calls in a day. Wow."

"Oh no no no. Just everyone who calls at this point wants to kill their family. Insane, right? You were probably the tenth person to call that day talking about it."

"Ah...there's the sarcasm. Just a minute in a call, and you're not even being a nice employee towards potential customers."

"Oh, really? I didn't catch it myself."

"I can see it."

"Hm? See what?"

"Me pushing you off the Empire State Building."

"That's impossible. You don't know me, bro. And also, that would be pretty difficult. You'll have to come to my Target location, drag me away, carry me all the way to the Empire State Building, and go all the way to the top floor. And then push me off. Too many people would see you, and you would definitely get arrested. Because you would be kidnapping me since there's no way I'm willingly going to let you kill me."

"Two things. I'm a girl. And there was no real reason to go into that in-depth explanation. You're annoying, dumb ass. Annoyingly sarcastic. I don't like it, and if I don't like it, I'm going to threaten you. And please, I might be capable of killing you. You don't sound like much of a tough guy. Wooow, a Target employee. I'll never be able to take him down."

"Two things as well. I might be an annoying employee, but at least I don't waste people's time while they work. You also sound young, so what are you doing with your summer? Do you think calling Target about your little problematic life is anything fun? It's not, so go outside and stand in the sun or something. And secondly, girl, I don't need to know your gender. Like I give two shits about it. And obviously, I'm not hard of hearing. I am aware you're a girl."

"...Jeez. You didn't have to be so mean, fucker. I should file a complaint about you and make you get fired. What money would you make then?"

"Ha. You just met a true asshole. And you don't seem like a person who would go through all that trouble. Quit being so sensitive, would you? And besides, you owe me. I didn't report you so you can't file your imaginary complaint."

"And you just met a bitch, asshole. I can tell we already have two tickets to hell based on how messed up you are. You're seriously so blunt, and it's rude. How did you pass your interview for this job? How do you even walk this earth without getting punched in the damn face?"

"...Okay. Well...fuck you. I believe in Jesus. And secondly, bluntness is supposed to be rude. So I'm glad you can see it so well, that means I'm doing a splendid job."

"I don't."

"You don't what?"

"Believe in God or Jesus. I'm not religious."

"Seriously, I don't care. Like I give two shits."

"I'LL SHIT ON YOU IF YOU KEEP CURSING, BRUH."

"..."

"I am already so fucking tired of your asshole-ness, and it's only been two calls with you. I've never hated a person so quickly, but I seriously hate you. And aren't you supposed to not curse at work in the first place?"

"... You'll shit on me if I keep cursing. Literally what the fuck? I've never heard any kind of shit like that in my life. I- well, I used 'shit' in a funny way but this isn't funny. And to answer your question, yes and no. Based on your bosses, you can't do a lot of things. But my bosses are young and as long and the customers can't hear... you know like those Karens who file a complaint about anything they don't like? Those, yeah. As long as they can't hear me, I'm fine. Sometimes it's awesome to have a young staff."

"... Okay, that sounded pretty wrong. That actually sounded so wrong, I know. Fuck. I want to apologize, but I don't do that. Apologizing is for the weak, and I'm too stubborn for that kind of thing. You know? I know I curse, but I don't like it when people curse at me. And are rude to me, because then I want to beat their ass. It sounds hypocritical a little, but I don't care. And that's cool, I understand. I used to work at a café and my boss was only twenty-three, so we would talk about drama the entire shift. It was fun."

"... You're not normal. And again, I don't care. Please hang up. Thank you for calling Target and wasting my time once again. Have a great day. I'm just saying that too because I have to, not because I mean it."