Catching Feelings | Bwwm

30| Nala

Broken hearts was the last thing Vance and I should be bonding over, but here we were. The both of us  sat on the couch. Me with my legs crossed and Vance with his legs spread out on front of him. It's been a week since I last saw Carsen and Vance had ended things with Megan. Together we had ourselves a pity party.

I screwed everything up. Vance was too nice to say anything to my face, but I knew he had to be thinking it.

The two of us sat down distracting ourselves with our phones until Vance broke the silence.

"What I don't understand is how you felt that you couldn't come to me about your situation." Vance said, his voice lace with judgement and disappointment.

I stared my vary Pinterest boards and thought about a reason why I hadn't come to him. "It was practically free money and he needed to be taken down a few notches."

Vance shook his head and shoved his phone into his front pocket before focusing his attention on me. "That's not like you."

"I just couldn't go back home. I was finally happy and starting to let go of what happened and I knew going back would've sent me back to that dark place again. I couldn't let that happen."

"I wasn't going to let that happen," Vance argued. "I'm your big brother, I've always looked out for you. You should've told me you needed help!"

I was all out of tears. I cried that first night Carsen found out. I cried when he didn't answer my phone calls. And I cried when more days passed and I couldn't be with Carsen.

"I know."

"But you didn't. Instead you decide to whore yourself out for money that you could've come to me for."

I swallow back the lump in my throat and try to distract myself. I couldn't cry right now. I've been doing too much of that these last few weeks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to get you involve and I definitely didn't want to feel like more of a burden than I already am. I just wanted to handle this on my own."

Vance sighed, running a hand of his tired face. "You're family, I love you. Even if you're annoying as fuck sometimes."

I laugh, grateful for the change in mood. "I love you too. If I could do it all over again..." I had to think about how I wanted to finish that thought. Would I choose differently if I had the chance? Choosing differently meant no Carsen, no changing him, and no me healing. I hurt him and that's my biggest regret in this entire situation. In a short period of time Carsen managed to become my everything and I couldn't imagine life without him.

"You wouldn't take it back would you?" Vance said, sounding like he was on to something.

I shook my head. "No. He was damaged, I was damaged, but we healed each other."

"So what I'm hearing is you love this guy."

"I never told Carsen I love him."

"You don't have to Nala. It's pretty obvious," Vance says. "I mean look at you- you're a mess."

I wasn't that bad. Okay sure, my last shower had been on Wednesday and it hadn't been Wednesday for two days. But I was still me on the inside.

"Of course I'm a mess. Carsen's hurting and it's all my fault."

Vance shook his head. "Why are you lying to yourself? You love him, just admit it."

"Why do you think I feel that way?"

"Again, you're my sister; I know you better than you think. Listen to your heart, what is it telling you?"

So what if I cared enough about Carsen to back out of the deal and throw myself into the line of fire. It's what you do for the people you love.

"Why didn't you go through with it?"

I breathe out a sigh as I realize what I've been trying to block myself from thinking or saying.  "When he told me he loved I wanted so badly to say it back. It didn't happen how I always dreamed it would, it was more, it was better, and it was what I wanted but couldn't have because of Megan. I knew I loved him when he stood my door and sang my favorite song, I knew I loved him when we sat by his pool and talked about our past, I knew I loved him the moment he told me he loved me.

I lifted both my hands to my face and wipe the wetness underneath my eyelids. I didn't like to cry, even if I was in more pain than I ever experienced in my life.

Yes, I love Carsen, but it wasn't like he would take me back. He's gone and I'm sure he hates me for what he thinks I did and said.

"Now what are you going to do about it? You're still a UCLA student. You still run Rising Star with him. What's stopping you from going and apologizing and getting him back? He can't unlove you that fast."

Fear. Pride. Guilt. More fear.

"What if he hates me?" I asked.

"It's only anger covering his hurt. He hasn't been seen out for a couple days and hasn't been on social media either, which means he's probably at home upset thinking about you. Just go talk to him, make him hear you out."

I reach for my phone and continue pinning things to my boards on Pinterest. Vance snatch my phone out of my hand and gestures towards the door.

"Go," He urges. "Go spend September 26, 2023 with the boy you love and don't come back without him."

I smiled, so thankful to have an amazing brother like him. "I'm sorry about Megan."

"It's okay. She was too young for me anyways. But on the bright side I met my new co-worker and we're gonna have lunch this week." He smiles smugly.

Since when did my brother become such a ladies man?

Suddenly his previous words rang in my head. "Wait, today's the twenty-sixth?"

"That's usually what happens when the twenty-fifth ends."

I rolled my eyes but finally stood up from the couch. It just hit noon, maybe I wasn't too late.

"I gotta go." I say, rushing towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

I pause outside the door and look at my brother. "To go be with the boy that's my forever and a day."