Catching Feelings | Bwwm

12 | Carsen

The following day, Sunday, the entire day was spent catching up with my little brother and sister. I love being an older brother and the large age gap between me, Caelynn and Colton doesn't matter. Neither did the fact that they were my half siblings. I was blessed to have to have a tight knit family, even if it wasn't the one I wanted as a kid.

As much as I had fun, they were exhausting and I was glad to be back home where I know my mom would have dinner ready.

      I wasn't around much thanks to all the traveling I do, might as well enjoy the little things I miss out on while I can.

My mom was in the kitchen setting the food in different bowls and dishes. From the looks of it she made my favorite food. There was baked Ziti, rolls, and a salad. It all looked so good, I couldn't wait to dive in.

"Drew, hey. How was your day?" She asks me as she starts to bring the food over to the dining room.

"Tired. Kids have a lot of energy." I answer as I grab a few bowls and bring them over as well.

My mom chuckles. "I know, which is why I'm glad I only had you."

I was my mother's only child. I almost left her all alone. The thought of my mother crying over me was saddening. Made me lose any type of appetite I had before.

I looked up to see my mom staring me, concern colors her eyes.

"Yeah?" I wasn't sure if she asked a question or not.

She wordlessly sat down in the seat nearest to me and reached out and held my hand. "How are you honey, I mean really?."

I pulled my hand away and rubbed the back of my neck, focusing on the pitcher of water in front of me.

   Of course I didn't want to talk about my near suicide attempt. What was the point? It wasn't like talking about it would change the fact that I almost killed myself. Why waste time?

I turn to my mom and looked at her with the straightest face I could muster. "I'm fine mom. The twenty-sixth is just hard for me."

"But it shouldn't be. Maybe you should-"

"Mom, I'm fine." I say before my voice could crack. If I started to cry she would ship me off to the nearest church.

"I go to church three times a week. It helps me cope with what you almost did and that I couldn't do anything to help you."

The way she kept tip-toeing around what I did pissed me off. I almost did what I did and she needed to accept it.

"Suicide," I said. "Suicide mom, I almost committed suicide. Why can't you say it?"

"I know what you almost did, and I don't appreciate you talking to me like I'm a child. I'm the one who found you on the ground remember?"

Of course I remember! I remember everything. I remember waking up to my mother crying, I remember the slur of voices of people trying to talk to me to keep me conscious. I remember...

It was best to leave the argument there. I felt sick to my stomach all of a sudden. My suicide attempt was the wreckingball to this family's foundation. A strong force that tore down our walls and left us a crumbling mess. My attempt made us realize we weren't this perfect little family after all.

     I tried to kill myself and instead of facing it,  my mom prayed it to go away, my dad like to act like it didn't happen, and I started this life is worth living phrase. We were all doing our best to move on but the black cloud followed us around despite our best efforts.

"I'm sorry." My voice is lowered. "I just want you to stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault."

She was the best mom anybody can ask for. I didn't want her thinking she did something wrong or questioning what she should've done to avoid what almost happened.