Catching Feelings | Bwwm

22 | Carsen

I'm not sure when it happened, but Nala and I moved away from the edge of the pool and were now laying on a lounger with our legs entwined with each other.

I stroke her back as her light breathing tickles my neck, replaying the look on her face when I told her everything. She never once looked at me with pity or judgement. There was only sympathy and understanding. And anger. A lot of anger. I can't help but smile at the edge and heat in her voice when she talked about the people that were supposed to be there for me but wasn't.

It took a long time for me to not put the blame on Basil or anyone else in my team. Yeah, they were the adults but they were navigating this lifestyle the same time I was.

I think about how my family and friends and fans would've felt with me gone if my mom didn't show up when she did. The guilt that I still struggle with is hard to deal with at times.

But I'm so happy that I shared it with Nala. It was scary as hell but also the most natural thing in the world to let her in. It's been that way since the beginning.

If only I could get her to be the same with me...

"Carsen," She says, capturing my attention, her voice unsure and small. She sounds nervous. Like she isn't sure how I was going to handle what she has to say.

"Hmm babe?" I continue to stroke up and down her arm.

"You were completely honest with me and trusted me with something very important to you so I want to do the same." She tells me.

That was enough for me to shift her body from underneath me and pull my head back far enough to look down at her. "What is it?"

"You ever wondered why I live with my brother and never talk about my parents?" She broached.

A little. Not that it was completely unusual for siblings to live together. I did find it weird however that she never mentioned her parents or liked talking about them.

"Yeah, a little bit. But I figured you'd tell me the reasoning behind it when you were ready."

"I'm ready to tell you." She says before signing. "Well, it was the first day of senior year and at the end of the day I was walking home since I still didn't drive and none of my friends had cars at the time. I notice the sky was getting dark and realized it was going to rain, but I figured I could beat it before it poured down." I say. "But no such luck. It just stared drizzling when my Dad's friend pulled up on the side of the road and offered me a ride." I pause. "You have to understand that the way I grew up we had to always kiss a visitor on the cheek to greet them. He's been coming over for years but lately I'd notice that he'd ask for a kiss if I didn't do it right away or he'd hug me a little too long but I figured I was overthinking."

"Anyone would think that." I say, although I was afraid of where the story was going.

"But I wasn't. Because when I got into his car that day he would find ways to touch me. Brush against my arm and touch my thigh. I didn't say anything. I figured that we'd be home soon enough and I can pretend this whole thing never happened. But then he told me he needed to make a stop first and I agreed because I was just happy I wasn't walking in the rain. But then he drove to some deserted spot and before I could ask why we stopped here he kissed me. I tried to push him off of me but he was so much bigger and heavier than me. When he finally broke the kiss I started crying and screaming for help but that just made him cover my mouth again. I squirmed and tried to get away from him when he lifted my skirt and fumbled with his belt and pulled out his-"

"Shh. You don't have to finish the rest." I interrupt her, unable to hear the rest of the story as the unbidden image of the faceless man hurting my Nala comes to mind. I tighten my arms around her, although I'm not really sure who was holding who at this point because I was afraid of what I would do if Nala wasn't in my arms right now.

"When he was done he told me he's been wanting to do that for a long time. I'm not even sure how I got home. I was just there."

"Did you tell your parents?" I demand, hoping that the sick son of a bitch was rotting in jail.

"Yeah. And when they called him over to confront him he denied it and got mad at my parents for accusing him of such a thing and made my parents turn on me so it looked like I was lying." She explains.

Mother fucker...

"How could they not believe you? You're their daughter!" I exclaim, barely able to contain my anger.

"I ask myself that question every day," Nala sighs. "Things were tense between us after that. I focused on school and pretend like it never happened. The second I got my diploma Vance moved me in with him and we've been living together ever since."

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that baby." I wrap my arms around her never wanting to let go.

***

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Carsen asks, standing with me inside of the tattoo shop. After spending an hour by the pool just laying in each others arms, Nala randomly got the idea to get a tattoo.

"I'm sure." Nala says confidently, as she looks at the portfolio with the different images and scripts to choose from.

"Why the sudden need?" I press, just wanting to make sure that this was something she really wanted to do. A tattoo was permanent.

"I always felt weighted down by my past and I never told anyone. But I told you and I now I feel free. Like I can do all the things I've always wanted to do, which includes getting a tattoo." She explains.

"Alright, let's do it together." I tell her.

"Really?" The excitement that lit up in her eyes was adorable.

"Yes really." I peck her lips. "Do you know what you want?" I ask.

"Yeah. I have an idea." Nala says and two hours later we're walking out the shop waiting to do the big reveal together. "If you got anything less than my name I'm going to be disappointed." She jokes.

"You were the inspiration behind this one for sure." I tell her.

"Ready? 1..2...3!"

The two of us turn over our hands wrist up and I can feel my lips spreading into a cheesy smile when I see the tattoo she decided to get.

An anchor.

The Pinterest quote she said to me earlier came to mind. It really describes our relationship perfectly which is why I got the small bird wings on my wrist as well.

Without saying a word, I pull Nala into my arms loving how she easily wrapped her arms around my neck. For the first time in my life I felt like I had something stable. I felt grounded. And it was all because of Nala.