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Chapter 40 - Kirsten

warning: this chapter needs to be rewritten. I'll work on it and as soon as I repost it, I'll let you know.

                                                                  40.  

                                                           ●•Kirsten•●

He is an asshole! I mean, honestly, what is wrong with his f–cking brain? ‘Already told you I am going nowhere’. Jackass! That’s pure bullsh–t. He’ll leave the moment he realizes he won’t get what he wants! I’ve been with Tyler for eight years now, and I certainly won’t leave him behind. We surely have our misunderstandings, but it’s nothing we can’t deal with. He’s the one for me, and no matter what Styles says, he won’t change it.

He will leave whether he wants it or not, and I don’t need to do anything to change the way things are going to go. It’ll happen by itself; sooner or later he’ll get tired of fighting for something as useless as I am. I just want to make things easier for him. And for me. It’ll be better for both of us if he simply walks away now; none of us need to get attached to each other, that’s stupidity.

My worst fear is that it might have happened already. He says he’s in love with me – though I doubt that’s true; it’s just lust speaking for him – and I am… Confused? He does mess with me; that’s a fact. But is it enough to make me miss him? Nah, it can’t be. I barely know the guy!

He’s been pissing me off the past few months, but it’s not like we really got to know much about each other. Last night I just found out he was born to make music, but that’s it. That’s all I know. I don’t need to know more, and I certainly don’t want to. Right?

Never in a million years we’d have the chance to be together. I love Tyler. Fact. I would never leave him, I’m sure of that. All those years we only grew fond of each other. And that’s not only that, we also share secrets no one else knows. We share a past that defines what both of us are now. We are together because there’s a reason for it; because we were made for each other, and because there’s no one else in this world that would fit us the way that we fit each other. I’m sure no one else would handle me the way Tyler does. After all, my own family gave up on me, didn’t they? If I try to look for my parents now, they will surely slam the door at my face. Leroy is their pride; the son every parent dreams of. He accomplished what he always dreamed of. He had succeeded on his job. Everyone knows Officer Lawson. Everyone loves him.

I’m just the whore who dates the rude guy from the gym. Leo’s troubled little sister. Everyone pities him because of me; because he’s too good to have such worries with his rebel relative. I’m just something they disgust. Almost like a disease.

Tyler, Lana and Angel are the three ones that treat me as if I was a human being. A decent human being. Leo just acts as if I was a kid he needs to constantly watch over. And even if Tyler treats me like sh–t at times, he understands me completely. Our daily routine is normal, and it might sound boring to many people, but to me normal is just more than perfect. He makes me feel normal, though he’s the only one who can make me feel damn low. He holds that much power. That’s why I need to be with him. We were, indeed, made for each other. Not only because of the good parts, but also because of the ugly ones.

And yet, after that all, each step I take towards Lana’s house hurts. I know that I completely shouldn’t, but it feels awful to do what I had just done: walk away from him. I try to tell myself that I’m a wrack because he made me fragile enough to the point that many painful memories came back, he made me fragile enough to allow him to see some of my scars, fragile enough to admit it actually felt good to have him around. But c’mon, no excuses are enough to justify the fact that he made me fragile. No one does that; no one besides Tyler.