Damaged » h. styles au

Chapter 44 - Kirsten

                                                                  44.  

                                                           ●•Kirsten•●

I- I just. I… I don’t even know what to say. I don’t hate Styles, and that’s why I do. You feel me? Nah, probably not. It’s just that… I don’t f–cking know what he’s doing to me, but I certainly know I can’t disagree anymore when he says I feel something for him. I can’t deny it because even if I don’t want to accept it yet – it’s just too soon – I know it’s true. Kind of. Deep inside.

I mean, yes, I missed him those three weeks, too, and I didn’t know how hard it was being to breathe (how cheesy does that sound? Ew) until he showed up at the club. I honestly thought he’d given up on me, and although I know that’s the right and the sensate thing to be done, I don’t want him to do it. That bastard already got into my life, and people who do that have issues trying to leave. In this case, I’m the one having issues, because I kind of don’t want him to. I want him to stay, even if I know he’s gonna end up hating me after all. He’s expecting a relationship, but I’m not leaving Tyler. Even if he’s okay with being just my ‘lover’ now – I’m not saying I’m into this whole thing –, he won’t be satisfied with it forever.

Besides, he doesn’t know half of what happened to me. He doesn’t know half of what I’ve already done with my life, so how can he tell me ‘I’m not that bad’? He says that based on what he sees on the outside, but there’s no way he can know whom I really am. It’s not pleasant. And I tried to warn him, but he doesn’t care. Stupid. That’s the word that defines him, for sure.

But whatever. I won’t try it anymore. I wasn’t kidding when I told him I wasn’t going to snap at him until he gave up. It is, indeed, something that requires a lot of energies, and why should I push him away when – awkwardly – he brings me some kind of peace? I shall take advantage of it while it lasts, at least. Right?

There’s this inner voice screaming and shouting wrong, wrong, wrong inside my head, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t say no to him, to his date offer, because, surprisingly, I actually want to do this. I want to go out with him and God knows why. I may have an idea of why, but I won’t listen to the deeper part of my soul. Not yet. So let me pretend that the reason why I want to be near him so much is still a mystery to me.

Surprisingly or not, I am actually planning to call him. It wasn’t just an excuse for him to leave me alone. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do this, but I’m going to try. Can’t be that bad, after all. Styles’ a nice person to be around, and he’s willing to help me, whether it’s pointless or not – and just for the records, it is. Not that I really need help, you know? But maybe I should just accept that letting him stay won’t kill me. I can manage to keep living my same old life with someone new around.

“Kirs?” the little girl called me and I shook my head, getting rid of Harry’s picture inside of my mind.

It’s been a few days since he officially asked me out, and I’m still trying to figure some way out to actually call him and set everything up. Can’t believe I’m doing this, but I need to do it someday when Tyler’s working ‘till late. God, I feel dirty. Tyler’s my boyfriend, and I’ve just accepted going on a date with someone who’s trying to ruin my relationship. I’m the stupidest girl on world, I’m aware of it.

“Mhm,” I mumbled, still unable to properly talk to Angel. It was late and Lana was at the hospital, so I accepted taking care of her daughter for tonight. I’d always been used to that, but now it didn’t happen that often since Harry was also willing to help them.