Forgotten Moment

Part 22... Tantrum

The cool air was lovely this afternoon. Having these little walks were so refreshing and I realised how much I loved being in the countryside.

I smoothed my dress as my tubby moved.

I held my stomach as I walked through the field.

"I am excited as well, my lovely. I can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. Mummy loves you very very much." I said to my unborn daughter. She was a mover and interacted with me all the time. She would be super smart and I will cherish her forever.

I took these walks to clear my mind and my feelings. The information Kaya told me about myself seemed out of character. Like it happened to a stranger.

Was my life so horrible that I did all those things?

Give my child away for adoption.

Why would I sleep with a married man?

That wasn't me ... at all.

But...

Here I was hiding away and pregnant with my first child gone from me.

Did I slip into negativity after things crumbled?

Did I give in or give up?

I feel eighteen but I am not. I saw proof of the year and it seems my memory has decided to stay away. If I did those things and if that man made me pregnant again that way maybe it was best to just forget it all.

I did not want to remember. I did not want to relive those horrific memories or be that person anymore.

Amnesia was my mind giving me an opportunity to start afresh.

I was going to take it.

I wanted to hate that man but somehow I couldn't; the image I had of him felt like it was yesterday when he held me in his arms in the shower. When I think of him I do not feel hate. I feel a strong emotion of love but I know that it is just a smokescreen; my body shielding me from the pain.

I force myself to keep that image in my head or else I would hate him, then hate myself and feel nothing but hatred for my baby. I could not bring myself to hate the splendour growing within me. She was mine and maybe I had made myself accept him in that last image. I had to or else I might go insane.

Maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe if I start making myself believe this it would be better. How can a mother tell her child she is a product of rape? I would never do that. So I will keep his good image in my head and let my heart feel love.

"Vera! Vera!" I heard my name and stopped. It was Magda. I smiled and turned around.

"Vera, where are you?" Magda continued.

"I'm coming, if only my feet could go as fast it is going in my head." I told her and she laughed as she came into view around the trees.

"You scare me when you go off like that." She complained. I held her hand and hooked it as we turned back to walk to the cottage.

"I need the peace this place gives me. It keeps me sane." I stated swinging my hand to point to the natural surroundings.

"I know you do dear but you're almost eight months pregnant, you need to be careful." Magda warned. She was more of a mother than a companion. I really cherished her and was so glad that Kaya employed her.

"I can't help but feel at peace here. I mean the mess my life is now, this place grounds me." I rubbed my stomach. "This little one gives me hope that at least I can do something right." Tears spilled from my eyes as I spoke. Magda stopped us and turned to me as she gave me a hug and rubbed my back.