Finding the Wolf Within

Chapter 8

I had no plan, no thought except escape. I ran until I felt sane enough to think this through. I hurled myself into an empty classroom and slammed the door shut. Gasping for breath, I slowly slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. I realized that I was still holding my lunch tray and that its contents had survived remarkably intact considering how crazed I felt. A low, strangled chuckle escaped from my throat as I considered the irony of the situation. Of course I would bring the food with me. It seemed that my animal instincts had considered the necessity for nourishment despite the fact that hunger was far down on my list of needs at the moment. I doubt I would even be able to force any of the food down.

I set the tray down on the floor beside me. With knees drawn up and hands supporting my head, I took in several deep breaths, willing myself to calm down. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I could, because part of me long ago had recognized the fact that Eddie could be my mate. Part of me wanted him to be my mate. But he wasn’t right for me…right? 

Thought after thought kept running through my head. Instead of an angel and a devil on my shoulder, I had a wolf and a human. Even though she had only come into being today, my wolf fervently battled it out with my human. She kept insisting that he was the one, that he was my other half, that I had already recognized that fact and should therefore just accept it as such, as destiny. My human side though tried to be more rational – tried to recall all of the times that he had made fun of me and my friends, all of the times that he had acted like a jerk and an ass. Did finding your mate mean that you were no longer attracted to others? Did it mean that he would no longer sleep with anyone willing to spread her legs? Did it mean that he would be true to me? My wolf answered in the affirmative, my human was skeptical.

Since our eyes are supposedly the windows to our soul, it makes sense that they’re what enable us to find our soulmate. His eyes – which have already haunted my thoughts for the past two months – his eyes will now be forever etched in my mind.

Suddenly, I was struck by an old memory I had forgotten about until now. I was maybe six or seven years old and I had come home from playing at Matt’s place curious about what a mate was. I had overheard Matt’s older sister fantasizing about her future mate and I didn’t understand what she was talking about. My mom took me up into her lap and explained the basic premise, romanticizing it of course as all mothers tend to do when talking about Prince Charming.

She then told me a story about a girl who had been blinded in a childhood accident. Her wolf hadn’t come out yet, so her healing abilities hadn’t developed beyond what normal humans were capable of. Her parents then basically abandoned her, even though she was so young, because there was, and still is, a lot of prejudice within were communities. We are expected to be physically perfect, a hubris that developed as a result of our substantial prowess and heightened senses. The girl got along fine by herself, especially after her 16th birthday when her other enhanced senses more than made up for her blindness. One day when she was in her early twenties, she was walking home after work when a man stopped her on the street. Though her eyes were scarred, he had looked into them and had known that she was his mate. She resisted, having been shunned for the majority of her life by her own family and the members of her pack. But he persisted – for months he visited her, peppering her with questions about herself, bringing her presents, making jokes and telling stories. Little by little, he broke through her reserve. He taught her what it meant to laugh, what it meant to experience joy and love. While he automatically loved and accepted her in spite of her blindness, since she couldn’t see his eyes, she had to fall for him the human way.

It was the perfect love story – one that complemented every Disney fairytale that little girls grow up on and one meant to quiet any reservations female werewolves might have about their mates, especially if their mates happened to be huge players.