Never be the same (Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier)

Chapter 25

"She lies awake on lonely cold nights; shivers and screams of pain and he resides down the lane where they burn love to set their cold souls aflame." -V.A.

It had been four days since I woke up to my new life. Four days that I have spent wondering what the hell is going on. Soldier and I had barely talked during these past four days. I didn't mind, I guess we were both trying to get used to this life outside Hydra.

I could hear soft snores coming from the bed, as I found myself on the windowsill again, looking out at the empty streets. It brought me some sort of peace to be able to see what was happening outside. Though I couldn't help holding my breath every time another car passed, something in me was still expecting for people to barge into the house and take us away.

4.41am the clock next to the bed read and I let out a sigh. Another sleepless night. I didn't like closing my eyes, I was worried that the next time I opened them it would all be gone and we would be back at the base. Soldier slept a lot though, more than he did back at the base for sure. However he seemed troubled in his sleep most of the time, either he was tossing and turning or mumbling in his sleep. I never asked any questions though.

"No! Darkness!" I jumped off the windowsill, ready to fight anyone who was there. The problem was that no one was there besides the tossing figure of Soldier on the bed, shouting.

I let out a sigh and turned on the bedside light. He was a mess. All tangled up in the bed sheets, sweat covering his forehead, his body trashing from side to side, shouting kind of mess.

"Soldier." I laid my hand over his flesh one to calm him.

His metal arm clasped around mine tightly and his eyes shot open. His eyes held the same expression that I usually saw on the missions. I was trying to back away from him, but it was impossible considering how tightly he was holding me.

"Soldier?" I spoke quietly.

In one swift moment I was pushed against the wall, his hand on my throat, lifting me up from the ground. My hands were grasping for his, but he just looked at me with dark eyes, like he didn't even know me.

"Soldier, wake up!" I was trying to scream, but that only made him tighten his fingers around my neck. I was kicking with my legs to try to wake him from his trance, while desperately trying to pry his fingers open.

I couldn't breathe, there was no air and I was starting to see black, "Soldier please," I choked out.

He started shaking his head ferociously before dropping me, "Darkness?"

My ears were ringing, my body was shaking and my hands were holding my neck like this would help me bring more air to my lungs.

"Darkness? Dammit Darkness, I am so sorry!" Soldier crouched down in front of me, trying desperately to look me in the eyes, "I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. I really don't know- I didn't mean to." he was rambling.

I shook my head at him, "I'm fine." I managed to choke out between my gasps for air.

My right hand grabbed a hold of the nightstand to help myself up again while my left hand kept on massaging my throat.

"I'm fine." I said again but this time more to myself than him. To be completely honest I think I was just saying this to reassure myself of that. To reassure myself that I am still alive, I am still breathing. They didn't break me, not completely at least. I hated thinking about Hydra, I hated what they had done to us. However right now I couldn't help myself but think about everything that I remembered, which really wasn't all that much.

"No, you're not and I am so sorry." Soldier kept trying to help me as I got up but I kept denying him.

I didn't need any help to heave myself up and to move over to the bed just to sit back down. I was so tired. But sadly it wasn't only the kind of tired that sleep could fix. I was so tired of fighting all the time, of hiding in the shadows, of constantly being afraid, of never being able to sleep peacefully anymore.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Soldier said as he crouched down in front of me, "I am so sorry."

"You already said that." I said back in a monotonous voice while keeping my focus on his hands that he had laid on my knees.

"Yeah yeah, I know." his flesh hand starting combing through his hair, nervous habit. "I don't want to hurt you."

The way he emphasised the word 'you' made me want to crawl under the covers and hide myself from the world. I wasn't used to feelings and right about now there seemed to be way too many in this awfully small room.

I finally tore my eyes away from his hands to look at him, he seemed to be waiting for me to say something, anything. For his disappointment though I had already decided that this conversation was over. I wasn't mad at what had happened. To be fairly honest I didn't really feel anything about it.

I pushed his hands off and laid down on the bed, turning my back on him. I was trying to find the covers with my hand without having to turn around to get them until I felt him sit down next to me and put them over me. I didn't feel like saying anything so I just curled myself up into a ball and pulled the covers over my head, trying to block out the world around me.

Did it hurt? Yes. Was it scary? I suppose. Will I ever tell him that? Not in a million years. But even now just laying here I could feel his metal fist cutting off my air supply. I had to admit though, that there was something awfully familiar in the feeling of having his hand wrapped around my throat and being pinned against a wall as if I weighed nothing more than air itself.

"What happened?" maybe if I asked I could stop thinking about it, "what happened in your dream I mean?"

The bed dipped from his side, letting me know that he had also laid down once again. I liked knowing that he was there, because even after everything he had done and the things we have been through he has always been there. Even after they pressed restart on him, he still stayed and got me out of there. I have never had anyone besides him, no one that I remember at least.

By the time he finally answered I was almost asleep already, "It's the nightmares," he said, his voice barely audible, "they have me and I don't know how to escape."