Never be the same (Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier)

Chapter 41

"Please tell me I'm not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel." -M.S.





What was so great about those dumb parties that Stark liked to throw? It was just a punch of random people getting drunk and not remembering a thing the next day.

"Then again, maybe that's what's so great about them," I quietly mumbled to myself as I played with my now empty shot glass.

Another party, another dress, another crowd of people who I knew nothing about. Looking at it from afar, it was exactly like every other party Stark threw. However, up close, almost everything seemed different.

For one, here I was, on this lonely bar stool, downing my third shot of who knows what, not caring about the weird looks I got from the girls that mingled in the crowd. Did they really think that giving me dirty looks and whispering was gonna affect me? I wasn't worried about things like that anymore. At least not in here.

Also not being looked after like a little kid was definitely new. It honestly surprised me more than anything that the others had actually left me alone for once. Then again most of the people who usually did it were on that dance floor as well.

Including him — the last thing that was different. He was different. He hasn't looked me in the eyes for the past three days, ever since our little talk. I didn't get why he has acting the way he was, but I couldn't deny the fact that being ignored by the person I trusted the most hurt like hell.

Though not nearly as much as seeing the way he acted around others. He was smiling, socialising, cracking jokes, laughing, and right about now, he was shamelessly flirting with some gorgeous brunette.

Seeing him like this should make me happy. Why did my stomach turn every time I looked in the direction of these two then? I downed another shot. And another. And another.

I was brought out of my thoughts by a guy I had never met before, "Slow down," he laughed, and as fast as he had grabbed my attention he had lost it.

"Don't tell me what to do," I glared at the flirting couple not too far from me,

"What is a girl like you doing drinking alone?" he decided not to give up.

"Clearly minding my own damn business."

"Feisty, I like it." he chuckled for a moment before opening his mouth again, "Are you by chance playing hard to get?"

I rolled my eyes at that, "I'm not playing it." I said and moved to Stark's VIP section of the bar. Thanking Stark in my head for this, seeing as the creep couldn't follow me there.

I downed another one of the shots. It burned my throat and I knew that I was gonna regret it in the morning, but for now it was the only thing that could ease the ache I was feeling in my chest, the only thing that could make my mind stop screaming at me every few seconds.

My sight started to become more dizzy and I knew the alcohol I had consumed was doing it's job. The fact that I hadn't eaten anything the whole day and my sleeplessness for the past few nights didn't probably help. Oh well.

"Another one!" I told the bartender as I put my glass down on the counter once more.

I could see them from the corner of my eye. I knew they were making their way towards me to probably come and play responsible parents and tell me to stop drinking. I hated how controlling they were. I knew that not having them look after me for the past hour was too good to be true.

"Adriana, you need to slow down with these." Cindy said as soon as they reached me.

I looked her straight in the eye, raised yet another shot to my lips and downed it without even blinking.

"Adriana please!" Cindy begged, the worry in her eyes was obvious.

I sighed, "Cindy, could you stop treating me like a kid?"

"Could you stop acting like one?" Stark, who had been standing quietly next to Cindy, finally decided to butt in.

I could feel my blood boiling at his words and my fist clenched, but before I could say or do anything that I knew I would regret, another voice interrupted — his voice.

"This is not good for you, you know." soldier, uhm no, Bucky took a step towards me finally.

I turned my attention towards him as fast as I could. I must admit however that this was not one of my brightest ideas. I closed my eyes for a moment to help and ease the dizziness I was feeling; wishing I never opened them as soon as I did. Why was he standing there with that brunette linked to his arm?

"Yeah well," I stood up to get away from the people that had gathered around me, "neither are you, honey."

I grabbed the nearest liquor bottle and walked to the nearest elevator which, for my immense luck, was open. I didn't even think about the button I was pressing until I ended up on the roof. This damn roof. What a goddamn joke.

I stumbled over my own feet while making my way over to the place I usually liked to sit, which was close to the edge of the roof, though not as close that I would fall down if I made one wrong move. I sat down and laid my back against some blocks that Stark had up here.

I pressed the bottle to my lips not really sure whether I wanted to take a swig or not. However I was sure about the fact that I didn't like what I was. I didn't like what they had made me. I didn't want to be this person. I wanted a normal life, like the ones every other person in this city had. The catastrophe inside me has shaped me into a person I never wanted to be, but I don't know how to let it go.

I am alive yet not truly living. My days were filled with nothing but empty smiles and careful conversations. Because god forbid when they said something wrong and I was triggered, right?

I wanted to say that I wasn't afraid anymore but I knew that I was more terrified than ever. Even as I knew that I had to, I didn't want to let go. He was the person who reminded me most days that I was alive, that I can make it, he was my hope but he had shut me out.