Never be the same (Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier)

Chapter 29

"I'm still not over my sad past and I don't think I will ever be." -Lana Del Rey

December 25:

I sat down on the couch next to Bucky and handed him his tea. I turned my attention to the movie, nodding as he thanked me.

"I think I've seen this movie before." I said after a few minutes of silence, making Bucky turn his attention to me.

"You have?" he asked, smiling faintly.

"I think so." I answered without turning my attention away from the movie.

It seemed like he wanted to say something more but then decided against it, so he just turned his attention back to the movie as well. We sat in silence until the next commercial break started and I got up to take my now empty mug back to the kitchen to make more tea.

I was trying to pinpoint the memory of the movie, but I couldn't figure it out. I guess I was stuck so deep in my thought that I hadn't even noticed Bucky following me all the way to the kitchen.

"It's Christmas, you know?" Bucky said out of nowhere, making me jump.

"You can't do that!" I said dramatically and shoved him by his right shoulder, making him burst out in laughter.

I shook my head at him and went to fill the kettle up with water, "Did you even hear what I told you before?" Bucky said between laughing.

"Not really." I answered truthfully, "What did you say?"

"I told you that it was Christmas." he said and pointed towards the calendar behind me.

"Oh," I looked at it for a moment before the memory hit me. The movie. How didn't I get this before. Of course I had seen it before. Of course it's Christmas.

And yet again the little happiness, I felt for a moment, was gone as soon as it came. I couldn't even keep my mood up during the 'happiest time of the year'. Who would have thought that Christmas could feel like that. Like you have been drained of everything that once made you you.

"I don't have a present for you though." Bucky seemed to still be joking around, "I just found out like an hour ago myself."

"I'm really not up for all that." I said and gripped the table so hard that my knuckles turned white.

"Hey," Bucky finally seemed to notice my mood change as he took a step closer, "what's wrong?" he said and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. He seemed to be doing it a lot lately.

"Nothing." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I can tell that something is wrong, you know." his voice was calm. The kind of calm that he used only when he wanted to find out something. Why did that voice always have such an effect on me though?

"I have seen that movie before." I replied and my hands gripped the table even tighter, "Actually I have seen it multiple times." Bucky kept quiet, studying me like he always did. I just sighed "I used to watch that movie with my family during every Christmas."

"Oh," his arm moved up to my shoulder and he gave it a gentle squeeze, "I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"It's Christmas, Bucky." I finally turned myself towards him, looking him in the eyes, "But it doesn't feel like it to me."