the journal - h.s.

36

[harry's pov]

I loved seeing her smile. She radiated warm in such a strange new way, that just crashed straight through my flesh and bones and into my heart. God dammit how did she do it? The way she stuck her nose deeper into the scarf burying it away from the cold, how her hair blew in the wind - the bangs parting so more of her face would show. And that blush in her cheeks. It made my heartbeat quicken. The rosa color whispering to me - promising that her heart was still beating fast and steady. Lively.

"So what uni did you go to Mr. Well-Mannered?"

Her voice was my reason to move and to breathe. I could live an entire life just with the knowledge of having that voice greet me every morning. Honestly. How had this happened? When had this happened? When had I ... when had I started fallen for her like this? What was wrong with me! I knew nothing about her - but still she seemed to know me better than anyone else already. I knew this was stupid - falling harder for her with every breath I took. But I would have to cope with the aftermath later. That was a worry belonging to the future - and as she just said - you had to live in the present.

"Didn't it say somewhere in the journal?" I narrowed my eyes trying to remember. It had been ages since I had written it - and I rarely went back to re-read my writings. Only if I tried to remember something.

I watched how my reply made her blush grow deeper abruptly - oh so she found it embarrassing that she had read it? I wondered how much she had read. Without noticing I moved closer to her, as we walked through the street. I had no idea where she was leading us, but for all I cared she could lead us to hell and I would probably still follow her headlessly.

"No.. No I don't think so," that line between her brows appeared whenever she tried recalling something. Our elbows touched briefly - but she didn't move away.

"Don't laugh," she was going to laugh anyway when I told her. I just knew. If anything it probably wouldn't impress her the tiniest bit compared to the way others reacted.

She stopped, as she caught onto the slight seriousness in my tone. I gulped taken aback by her rapid stop.

"I won't. I promise!" She tried not to smile - to stay serious. But I could see so clearly her inner struggle, as the headlights from a car driving by illuminated her features clearly. How the smile lingered at the corner of her mouth.

"I was accepted into Harvard University."

[amber's pov]

It took a second before I understood what he had said. That he had actually said what I thought he had. His eyes escaped mine to look at the ground nervously - that was when I realized he was serious.

"Oh." Oh. Just like in the journal - H.U. Oh. OH! He had written it down after all! That made more sense, than it was ought to. It was - why wasn't I that surprised? Had I subconsciously thought about that opportunity before? The way he knew highly academically things, the way he had talked - the way he had moved. Harvard University. Holy shit. Of course I had known he was something special - but I hadn't really thought anyone else had. Not in this kind of scale anyway. What had he been studying! How - why - what!

"And you just... dropped out?" I was not laughing - I was drop dead serious and in utter disbelief. Holy shit - what was he doing here! Why wasn't he sleeping in his Hogwarts-like freaking dorm with all the other brainiacs? Why wasn't he sitting in one of those antique libaries with mahogany everything studying till far past midnight! Why the hell was he in Chicago? What had he just said - too many books and phonies. Seriously - he dropped such a huge opportunity because of that? Because of books and phonies? There had to be more to it than that.

"Yeah," he shrugged. He just shrugged! He actually shrugged over Harvard University. How many times had I not heard about that place, when I had reached that age where the university time came closer and closer? I had gone to a high school with thousands of students - I believe one. One. Got accepted with a scholarship to that place. And even that was unusual!

"But... but Harvard!" I stared at him in disbelief. If I had ever been accepted to that place I would do everything in my power to graduate - holy shit! The opportunities you had with such an education! The jobs you could get!

He smiled at me - shrugging again, a non-amused chuckle coming from him. His green eyes growing a little dull, the spark died a little - but I had to understand this. Why on earth drop out of Harvard?

"Isn't that like - a dream opportunity?" I asked carefully this time, sensing this might be a touchy subject for him. He seemed to react to this - my questions made him... made him guarded I realized. That facade was crawling back into place. I hoped it didn't come to stay.

His jade colored eyes watched me with slight strictness, as this was a topic functioning as one of those doors to the dark gloomy place in him. I reckoned this was his way of making sure that darkness wouldn't start pouring out over everyone else. He shut everything off. Locked everyone out. But stayed alone inside with it. Chills ran down my spine, as a sigh escaped his lips - a tiny breath of that sticky suffocating darkness. I couldn't imagine how much there was of that stuff inside of him. How many memories, how much sorrow, tears, broken scattered pieces of his heart he kept locked up.

But it was getting harder to hold onto. I knew that just from that one sigh. The doors were starting to leak. The strength was soon used up. Maybe that had been the reason he had left Harvard? He couldn't stand it? Couldn't keep everything in place, couldn't keep it together?

With poisoned words - not meant to hurt me. But someone else he stated in a cool breath, "yes, it was someone's dream - just not mine."

Who was that someone?

Please vote and comment x

a/n: I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Who do you think he's talking about?

Also if you have the time and want to - maybe check out a new psychological Harry fic I got posted - it's called PAPARAZZI. :) x thanks! love you guys :) x