Final Truth

Chapter 43: Cold

Julia's point of view:

I was stumbling through an open meadow, unable to feel anything except for my feet that somehow always managed to tangle together.

I didn't feel real, my mind seemingly only half here and half somewhere else, somewhere very far. The sun was too bright to be true, the heat of the afternoon too intense and false. I didn't know where I was, but I did know where I was supposed to go.

And when I finally made it to my destination, the top of a grassy hill, a fleeting moment of clarity hit, enough to clear my head and let me focus.

A boy was sitting at the top of the hill, waiting for me. His hands were tied behind his back, and his mouth was rendered silent by the gag around it. But even with his deep brown eyes that were tinged red in the corners, twinkling with muted mania, he seemed more real than anything else in this situation. It was Peter, and although he was somewhat mentally distant, there were also small traces of who he used to be.

He did not try to speak, and neither did I.

Instead, I sat directly in front of him, looking into his eyes as a flood of mental dialogue erupted between the two of us, the power of evaluation conveying a soundless conversation.

Your eyes are brown again, Peter, I told him.

Doesn't mean anything. This isn't real, anyways, he responded. Besides, you gave up on me. Why does it matter?

Don't give me that. You know I had no choice, I retorted.

Yes you did. You always have a choice. I think you keep forgetting that Henley's the one who did all of this to me. Do you really think that if I was in my right mind, I would do this to you? He asked.

But you're not in your right mind, Peter. You haven't been for weeks. What am I supposed to do? Just keep visiting you in your cell and let you keep trying to kill me, keep letting you say that things that you do? No, I won't do it anymore.

Of course I don't want you to let me do this to you, but that's not what I'm getting at. I need you to stop looking at me like I'm the villain, like I'm the root of all evil. I'm beginning to think you can't even tell the difference between me and Henley.

I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I couldn't. Not when our minds were exposed and everything was laid out on the table to see, not when he knew he was right.

See, even you admit it to yourself, he reminded me.

I've tried, Peter. I've tried so hard to reach you, but nothing works, I tried to tell him, but nothing I said would change the fact that he's disappointed in me for abandoning him.

And nothing ever will work unless you look at me like a person instead of a monster. Can you not see that I'm still here, trying to break free?

But as he said those words, I watched as the tinges of red in the corners of his eyes deepened, becoming more prevalent and making him look like the terrible creature I had known for too long now. I averted my eyes in response to it, cutting off the mental conversation.

"No, I can't see it. You're gone," I spoke aloud, and then the test was over.

I failed again.

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I replay the events of today's test in my head as I sit in Steven's cell/doctor's office, wanting to forget it all and ignore Peter's words that keep begging me to see the real him.

I try not to think about the last time I was in here, so long ago when I had just gotten Peter back and embraced the real him for all it was worth.