Monstrous Love

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen
Evie

I haven't left my house in weeks.

I haven't ventured outside my door since I left my final goodbye note.

I haven't seen Ellen since we spotted the red head turn up at Niall's front door.

It's as though my whole body has shut down.

It's like a light has been switched off inside of me and I don't know how to turn it back on.

Hope has gone and so has my ability to fight. It doesn't matter what anybody says... I don't know how to carry on.
For ten years I've been consumed by the idea of Niall and uncovering the truth. It was all I thought about, all I dreamt of and now it's gone.
I know I can't be certain the girl I saw is in a relationship with him but my instincts just know.

He's moved on.

He's found his peace and I owe him that.

He deserves his happiness and I have no right to disturb it.

Except I still want him.

I want him so much it physically hurts and I don't know what I can do to stop it.

It's a Friday night and I'm curled up on the sofa. I'm wondering what food I can order in when my phone rings.

Ellen.

I close my eyes, wanting to ignore it and pretend like the outside world doesn't exist anymore. I figure this might make it easier in the long run by closing myself off to everyone and everything.

A knock on my door startles me and my heart starts racing.

Who is it?

I haven't ordered my food yet and it's not like I have any visitors. I'm trying to figure out what to do next when my phone rings once more and I put two and two together.
It has to be Ellen.
I drag myself off the sofa and unlock the door, allowing my friend to see me for the first time in weeks.
"Eve?" She gasps. "What have you done to yourself?"
"I really don't need any criticism right now." I grumble, folding my arms across my chest.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure." I say, shrugging my shoulders.
"Enough is enough, Eve." Ellen chastises me, taking a seat on my sofa. "You need to pull yourself together and decide what it is you want."
"Him!" I scream hysterically, throwing my arms in the air. "I want him!"
"So go and get him! You owe it to yourself!"
"How can I disrupt his life? How can I burst in like a tornado and expect him to want me in his life again?"
"Because you're beautiful. You're brave, courageous and strong. He's a fool if he doesn't see that."
"What do I do, Ellen?"
"You go and get dressed. Put some make up on because we're going out."
"Where are we going?"
"To the bar where he works." She tells me, refusing to take no for an answer. "You can't avoid this anymore and I won't let you."

It takes me an hour but I'm somewhat presentable by the time Ellen forces me to leave my house. I've never been to a club in my life so I'm pretty scared about what I'm going to face when I get there.

"We don't even know if he's working tonight." I point out, trying to find an excuse to stay home.
"We can still talk to a few people and find out more about him."
"Who are we going to talk to?"
"I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens."

Ellen parks her car on the outskirts of town, ordering a taxi to pick us up and leave us outside the bar.
"Good thinking about leaving your car." I tell her, linking my arm through hers once she pays the driver.
"I thought it might get broken into if I left it where we parked last time."
"I can't believe I'm doing this." I whisper, coming to a standstill.
"You need to do this." She urges me, pulling on my hand so I move forward.
"I'm just so scared."
"That's natural." She assures me. "It would be strange if you weren't."

There's a large queue outside the bar where Niall works and I groan when I see it.
"Maybe we should go."
"Don't be silly. We've come all this way and now we're going inside."
"Ellen, I've never been in a place like this before."
"Eve, I'm right here with you and nothing bad is going to happen."

It takes us twenty minutes to get inside and I'm trembling uncontrollably by the time we enter the main area.
"I don't want a drink or anything."
"That's ok. Why don't you take a seat while I go to the bar? I'm just going to get a soft drink for myself and see if I can find out anything about Niall."
"What do you mean? What are you going to ask?"
"Just relax, ok? I'll be right back."

I can't stop fidgeting, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. I can feel their eyes on me and I'm so uncomfortable.

This isn't where I want to be.

This isn't who I want to be.

I watch Ellen at the bar and can't help feeling jealous. She's not overly confident but she's comfortable within herself. She makes life simple and I've never been able to do that. I hide away, cower in the corner, deny myself experiences and stay locked inside my head. I find it really difficult to understand how other people find life so easy. They just seem to glide through it while I feel like I'm sinking.
"Did you find out anything?" I ask her, desperate to know if she's found out anything.
"I didn't really get a chance to ask because they're so busy." She replies, taking a seat beside me. "Let's just stay here a while and see if we catch a glimpse of him."
"You have no idea what this feels like."
"I'm here to help you and that's exactly what I'm going to do, Eve."
"At least I like this song." I joke, smiling weakly.
"You have good taste." She teases me.
We both laugh, considering the song that's playing is 'I touch myself' by Divinyls.
"Do you think you would be able to recognise him again if you see him?" I ask her.
"Eve, I think it would be impossible to forget his face."
"Niall was always handsome but now he's something else entirely." I tell her, remembering how gorgeous he is.
"Speaking of handsome..." My friend says, raising her eyebrows at me. "He's right over there."
My whole body freezes and I forget to breathe for a few seconds. I daren't turn around and can't look away, caught between two impossible decisions.
Turn around or walk away.
"I can't move." I murmur, clasping my hands together.
"You don't have to." Ellen convinces me. "We can sit here for as long as you want."
"I can't believe he's right behind me." I whisper, slowly turning around in my seat.
"Believe it." She encourages me. "He's alive and he's right there."
He walks behind the bar with his head down and his shoulders raised. He looks so pissed off and defensive, it's hard for me to see Niall like this and part of me longs to race over to him.
"I don't see the girl we saw the other night." I tell her, scanning the crowd in case I missed her.
"Exactly. She could have been anybody."
"I'm going to speak to him." I conclude, folding my arms across my chest.
"Right now?" Ellen splutters, astonished by my statement.
"Tomorrow." I clarify, breathing in deeply. "I'm going to speak to him tomorrow night."