exhale.

for him.

Where did you go?

You're here, but at the same time you're not.

I used to look up to you, you know...

You were my role model, I wanted to grow up to be just like you...

But now I realise...maybe you're not the best person to aspire to be.

It's taken me almost 17 years to come to this conclusion, but I suppose now I'm mature enough to try to understand.

All I wanted, was to make you proud.

But because of that, I gave up on so many of my dreams, just because you wanted me to.

Like I said, I would do anything to make you proud of me, and I wanted to be just like you.

And...you wanted me to be just like you...but the version of you that you had aspired to be when you were younger.

And so, I've lived my life governed by your idea of success,

Which doesn't quite align with mine.

I will never forget the day you forced me into that four sided career box.

Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant or Engineer.

That's all you knew, after all.

And I told you I wanted to be a dancer, or a writer, or an artist.

...You didn't talk to me for 3 days after that.

And the next time we spoke,

I gave up on those dreams,

Because they didn't fit in with your idea of success, and all I wanted to do was make you proud.

I realise that I'm your second shot at getting this right.

Your second, and your last.

You failed the first time, and you hold that failure, your failure, over my head.

The pressure is nearly unbearable sometimes, but it's constant.

But it's your failure, not mine.

And somehow, you've even manage to ruin your third attempt, before I've exhausted my turn.

Because where I see so much potential in her, you only see a lost cause.

And, that's your fault, even though you don't want to admit it.

And all this time I've overlooked it,

Because I just wanted you to be proud of me.

I've adopted most of your personality traits.

I always related to you more than her...which isn't bad, but recently I've noticed that it's far from ideal.

Because of you, I am cold.

I am untrusting of the world.

I am closed off.

I am unnecessarily harsh.

I am cynical, too cynical for someone my age.

And all for what?

Because in my mind, you were my role model, and I wanted to be just like you.

That, was a mistake.

But I'm getting better now, despite the tumultuous 16 years prior to this.

And I hope you can too, before you don't have the chance.

Now I have found people to trust and open up to,

And you can too, if only you allow it to happen.

Whenever you want to talk...I'll be there.

But despite all this.

Despite you replacing my dreams with your own,

Despite me mixing those dreams with my own ambitions,

I still love you.

And despite all this,

I hope that one day you will look at me, and be proud.

Because after all this,

I still want to make you proud of me.