Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

4 - Bleed me out

TW for violence and descriptive self-harm

As soon as I stepped through the door of my house, I heard glass shattering upstairs. I didn't even want to acknowledge that I was here but I had to, in order to really be safe with her, god forbid I was in the house and didn't let her know. Last time I had just wanted to be quiet but I got alcohol poured all over me and screamed at. So, reluctantly I called out that I was home. The silence was that responded was suspicious, and for a second I thought, maybe she was asleep or something. My dad should be home by now since he works the 9-5, and it was only about midnight.

I jumped when I heard stomping come from upstairs, indicating that she was now aware that I was here. I hurriedly ran to the sink, moving some things around to stack and wash them but when I turned on the tap, nothing came but a drip. I turned the knob bit more and still nothing. I rolled my eyes harshly, she didn't pay the water bill. Meaning, I'm gonna have to shower at the Curtis'. . . once again.

"Johnny Cade! Come up here this instant, young man! I need to talk to you!" Her tone seemed to awaken something in me and I couldn't stop shaking, I looked at the floor, squeezing my eyes shut and clenching my fists, trying to control whatever breaths I had left to muster up some courage for a reply.

"Okay, Ma,"

 I knew she heard the waver in my voice, but I know she could care less about how I felt on the inside, its always been about her and her needs, what she wanted versus what I needed, and I hated my dad for putting up with it. I took large shuffled steps up to the stairs to find her wrapped in her bathrobe, her hair and makeup all over the place, which was rare. She was always set on things being perfect, even when she was drunk. I looked over to my left and saw countless amounts of bottles of liquor piled on her dresser, floor, and bed. She ignored my staring and told me to sit down.

I did what she asked and sat cautiously, talks like this would get me punished. So I made sure every rule was followed, look her in the eyes, stay still, and don't talk back, cry, laugh, nothing, stay quiet, and just listen. I sat on my hands to stop her from seeing my consistent twitching. 

"Don't do all that, just . . . listen." She told me, and I immediately relaxed into a slouching position but still continued to hide my hands under my legs. She sighed and sat down next to me.

"Johnny. . . You know you've always been my little boy, right?" She asked but now I was uncomfortable, she hasn't shown me this much affection since I was 10 years old, why right now? "I know I haven't . . . always been there," She can't even take accountability for my trauma, "But I need you to know that I always have loved you like a son."

"What?" I gulped, she nodded. 

I don't understand, why is she telling me this?

"It's time for you to leave, sweetheart. Its always been in the making, I just had to wait for your father-" I stood up immediately, I could tell that my expression was bewildered by the look of anger on her face, she hates when I show any kind of emotion to her. I don't know why, she either makes me feel like it's not even real, it's not even there or that it's my fault entirely that I feel this way. But right now I didn't care about how I looked. I had no idea where this conversation would lead but I definitely wasn't expecting to get kicked out.

"Are you fucking serious?" I couldn't even keep it in at this point, but I regretted it instantly when her hand met my face. 

"Don't you fucking swear at me! How dare you speak to me like that?! You're an ungrateful brat! I do fucking everything for you and this is the thanks I get?! For raising you!" 

Of course, shit I had no idea that she was the victim in all this. 

"What are you even talking about?! You don't do shit for me! Anytime I do anything its never good enough for you, you make me think that everyone fucking hates me! You! You put that in my head! What am I supposed to do now with this pathetic fucking life that you left for me? What did I do to you as a goddamn toddler that was so bad that it made you despise the very being you created?!" I screeched,

"You know what, I never even wanted you here, you decided to come with your dad, but I never even asked you to come. No one wants you here, I can't fucking stand you! You always have something to say back and then wonder why I beat the shit out of you, you're MY son! I get to do with you what I please!"

"I'm not your property, just because I came out of that fucking black hole of yours doesn't mean I represent you!" That's when she started swinging, I fell to the ground with her on top of me I was struggling so hard under her that I managed to roll her over and pin her to the ground. 

"I'm not 16 anymore! You can't just fucking take your anger out on me whenever you want, I'm sick of it! Fuck you!" I couldn't help the sob that bubbled up in my throat, I knew this wasn't on me but fuck, maybe if I was a better son things would have been different. But I'm not, I'm me, and she hates it. 

"You killed him." She spat at me as I held her down.

"What?" I asked softly, she caught my attention on that, loosening my grip without realizing it.

"You killed your father, he couldn't take it anymore. He hated you, He hated me, and it's your fault." I couldn't even respond because she got out of my grip, and just walked away to her liquor cabinet. 

"He died this afternoon." The cork unscrewing was deafening, her gulps were the only thing I could focus on, I stood up teary-eyed and snatched the bottle, she was about to protest until I lifted it up to my lips when she felt I was done she ripped away from me. 

"You won't ever have to see me again." This was the first time I had ever truly looked at her, beyond a mother, beyond an alcoholic, but a grieving woman whose self-hatred pours into the world around her, inking everything that she comes in contact with, making people she cares for become just as miserable as her. 

Her eyes were wide as I stared, and for the first time I truly believe that my mother was vulnerable as I stared, I could never fathom how my father fell in love with her, but I'm seeing it now, her vulnerability is intimate. She never shared that with me, even as a child, I felt like I longed for that motherly touch, that soothing 'everything is gonna be okay, baby, mommas here, I got you". Just once. Just one time from her was all I ever needed. 

I walked out of the room quietly, just as I had come in, and headed towards the basement into my own room. I grabbed my old backpack and a black garbage bag, I started shoving my things into the bags, I ripped some pictures of me and my father off the wall and put them in my bag. I barely had clothes, so most of the bag contained my most sentimental items. I shoved all of my toiletries in my backpack and grabbed a shit ton of books, and then I left.

When I went outside, I didn't think I had the energy to cry anymore, especially not for her. Spent so many years doing that now my river is dry, but here I was letting the stream flow down my face silently. I could see in the outback that the Curtis' were having a bonfire, I could see Two Bit, Dally, Steve, and Tim. I looked to where Ponyboy was and he was there sitting in the beach chair, reading 'Gone with the Wind,' with a book light.

I hiccuped a breath and threw my bags on the ground and opened the gate to the backyard, They were blasting music so I doubt they just heard what happened, or heard me come in. But then Ponyboy looked up and he smiled at me, but it quickly disappeared once he saw the state I was in. He shoved Darry and then everyone looked up.

Before I could answer any questions, I felt my head spin, and I plummeted to the ground feeling like everything was spinning in front of me. I heard Ponyboy scream, and Darry yell for someone to get some ice. I hadn't fully passed out just yet, but I felt like I would since it felt like everything was goin' in and out. I felt someone lift me up, and run into the house. I smelt cigarettes, cherry candy, and some cologne. This was Dally,

"Somebody get some water for the kid, he looks parched." I couldn't really see anyone, but I heard people around me. I opened my eyes a little and Dally smiled,

"You okay, Kid?" Everyone was surrounding me and I felt a little weird,

"Y-yeah, I'm g-good." But when I got up again, I guess it was too fast for my body to handle and I fell once again, and this time. Everything blackened.