Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

26; I fell asleep in the flowers for a couple of hours, on a beautiful day

🌹🍁🐞

    I'm not sure if I'm alive or not in this situation, everything feels as if its floating, So I lean back on the couch, and I focus on my breathing and I relax my muscles, letting my aching bones rest against the softness of the seat, I could feel a little bit of the sofa cushion peeking out of a small hole on the arm rest, so I place my fingers on it, feeling the strings and the foam beneath it. I couldn't focus any longer on the voices that were desperately trying to get my attention, I felt exhausted.

   I was too tired to talk to them, too tired to look at them, too tired to apologize or explain myself so I fall asleep consciously for a little before I feel someone shaking me, and my eyes shoot open in panic, my heart hammers against my ribs, hurting my chest a little. I looked up to who it was and I recognized his eyes, I feel so disoriented sitting and looking at him like this. Why couldn't I figure out who this was?

"Johnny . . . talk to me." His voice muffled, tainted in the back of my mind and I could barely see straight.

"And why would I do that?" I muttered, sitting up a little and finally realizing who I was talking to, And like usual, it was Darry. He always tries to get my attention back, no one else.

"Ponyboy, what's the matter with you?" I look over at him and he's swaying a bit, and I laugh. The sound seemed dull and empty, humorless in all honesty.

"This is not a laughing matter, Johnny." Soda snapped so I laugh again, quieter this time, and I shook my head.

"Oh so, what do want me to do? Cry? Throw things in frustration? Theres nothing you can do about this, so theres no use to feel sad or angry about it, right?" I asked him, his eyes filled with hot tears as he stared at me.

"I don't think I even know who you two are anymore," He said and it was Ponyboy's turn to giggle,

"We don't either," He said and I leaned my head back and sighed, staring at the ceiling.

"So what now? What are we supposed to do with 'em?" Steve asked, and I looked up in curiousity.

"Yes Darrell, what do you plan to do?" I asked and he clenched his teeth.

"I had someone help me once, I think its time to return the favor." He said and I furrowed my brows, and laughed once more.

"What makes you think you can help me? What if I don't want help? What if I told you that I wanted to rot in my own misery, what then?" I stood up now, I wasn't planning on going anywhere.

"Why? Why are you doing this to yourself?!" He stood up too, and pulled at his hair.

"Because maybe I deserve it! Maybe I want to stay like this because it makes me feel better! It helps me stay okay," I breathed,

"You're so goddamn selfish, Johnny!" I stopped dead in my tracks, my thoughts halted and my breathing got shallow.

"How in the hell am I selfish!?" I crossed my arms and gave him a death glare, but he didn't buy it, not one bit of it.

"You're selfish because all we're trying to do right now, is get you to be okay again! You're selfish because the people who deeply care about you and is basically draining themselves to help you and you don't even realize that you're sick! You don't give a damn about the people around you! Look at Ponyboy, look at what both of your actions has done to the two of you! Look at him! Does he seem like a normal healthy 18 year old to you?! He hasn't even finished school and this shit happens! Do you remember the promise you made to my mother and father, Johnny? You promised them that you would take care of Ponyboy and yourself! And you lied! You lied! To me! To the gang, and to my parents! You're selfish because we all love you and would do anything, anything to help you! We gave you a home! Food! Clothes! And this is how you repay us?! By destroying yourself beyond repair and taking him down with you!?"

   Everything in the room stopped. Every breath, every molecule in the room, halted. My throat felt tight and my eyes were burning, And I looked at every person in the room. I stared at Darry with tired eyes and then I locked eyes with Soda, and tears were running down his face at a rapid rate, looking at me like I was some disaster. I looked at Steve, and he was clenching his teeth and flaring his nostrils, trying to keep in his tears as he held Soda by his side, I looked at Two-bit and he was biting his tongue, trying so fucking hard not to start bawling in front of everybody. I looked at Dally and his icy eyes had melted, and were replaced with thick tears, and he let them fall. I turned my head in the slightest to see Ponyboy with his head in his hands, his breathing shallow.

   I lifted my hand and covered my mouth in horror. What am I doing? I'm going to turn 18, my life hasn't even started yet. I'm hurting. . . everyone around me. I'm a horrible person, I make everyone's lives harder, they all habe their own problems. . . and I'm just adding onto their list of things to stress over. I felt a weight form onto my chest and I felt a large lump form in my throat, and I gasped.

"I'm. . . I'm so sorry," I choked out, the tears were flowing down my face and I felt like I couldn't breathe,

    I never realized how much of a fucking useless person I was, I was supposed to be good, I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to be happy.

   I fell to the floor in a heap of sobs, I lifted my knees to my chest and grasped my hair with slender, pale fingers and wailed in agony. This is isn't how its supposed to be, I don't want to be like this anymore, I want it all to stop, please stop.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated it over and over, hicupping at times and trying to get a hold of myself but everything seemed to be going by so fast, I felt someone pick me up on my feet and wrap their arms around me. I did not expect this at all, I expected them to haul me out on the lawn and beat the tar out of me for betraying their trust. But instead, I felt multiple pairs of arms wrap around me, and we slowly fell to the ground, still clutching each other, all of us sobbing into each others embrace, It made me cry harder, and I felt as if my lungs would give out any second,

"Please help me. . . " I whispered out between hiccups, "Please, please." I sobbed and they hugged even tighter, I recognized the scent to be Ponyboy's and Dally's and they sighed in tears, looking up while stroking my hair,

"Everything is gonna be okay, you hear me? Everything is going to be just fine,"
God help me,