Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

13 - We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

TW

I don't think I've ever felt more humiliated in my entire life, my arms were on full display for everyone to witness, every bad moment that I ever took out on my skin was here in front of them. The glances I got after I showed them will forever be stuck in my mind. I could see the questions on their faces without them even asking me. "How could you do this to yourself?" "What's so wrong with your life that you have to mutilate yourself?" Everyone was all the same. Stupid fucking pitiful looks while racking their own brain for a solution to my problem. l looked up around the entryway and saw that Dally had taken his leave, I sighed and turned back. Ponyboy's eyes were filled with tears, the only difference between how the others looked at me, and how he did; There was no pity, or anger, or need for explanation . . . just a knowing look, as if he had assumed this all along, but not only that but there was a bleak look of sadness like he was trying so hard to not become like the others, eyes wide and hurt, but instead just there with me, seeing me behind the bandages and scars, seeing me through every single experience and still wanting to be with me. 

I immediately recoiled from Ponyboy's touch when he came to me, it was scary to have someone peek under the mask. I just pulled my sleeves down and stuffed my hands in my jacket, looking down.

I didn't want to meet anyone's eyes, because if I did, I knew I would break, and I really couldn't have that happening right now, it couldn't happen, I really shouldn't have come here. Maybe we should have just run away, maybe then no one would've had to find out, maybe that's all that we can do now.

"Ponyboy-" I whimpered and started to feel dizzy again. He caught me before I could fall and held me up, I coughed and sputtered, my head was whirling.

"Johnny, why don't you-" Darry started, but I shook my head violently and took Ponyboy's arm.

"We're leaving," I said and Soda choked a sob, Steve looked angry then and Two-bit just looked like he was at a loss for words.

"What- No the hell you aren't-" Steve stepped in and I recoiled, I had always been afraid of Steve. Surprisingly, you would think everyone was scared of Dally but I was the utmost afraid of steve. He noticed my distress and backed up a little.

"We can, and we will. Its summer break, we'll be back before Ponyboy has to go back-"

"Johnny that's more than four months!" Soda cried but I ignored him, I had to leave, I couldn't take it, I was gonna blow if I stayed here.

"Johnny wait," I heard Two-bit call after me but I just went ahead, out of the door, almost falling in the process. But Ponyboy stumbled a little and fell and he groaned, Soda hurried to lift him but Ponyboy scurried away, running to me.

"Where will you go, huh? You have nothing! No money, no car, no place! What makes you think you'll make it?" I turned then, smiling wide.

"It's the 80's! And I have fifty thousand dollars in cash, right now, I guess my dad dyin' does have a happy ending, Doesn't it?!" It hurt to admit that. Everyone's eyes bulges out their heads and I saluted before grabbing Ponyboy once more.

I was running back to the lot, to grab the bag that we needed, which held all of the money. We could barely run, because we both we're feeling extremely exhausted and dehydrated. I was gonna get the money, and we were gonna be on the next train goin' out of city. I couldn't risk being in Tulsa, maybe we could go to New Jersey, or Manhattan, or LA?

"Ponyboy, pick a place, any place, and we'll go." I asked him, after we were gathering our things in the lot.

"Before we get to that- could I . . . ask you somethin', Johnny?" He hesitated and fumbled with his fingers. He was gonna ask about me hurting myself, I should've known-