Far From Perfect

Chapter 25

It's dawn and I'm still wide awake. I have tried just about everything to fall asleep but no matter how many sheep I count or how many times I change my position, I can't go to sleep and I'm frustrated as heck.

I turn towards the old alarm clock sitting on my nightstand and have to blink a few times to clear my blurry vision. When I can finally see clearly I see that the blaring red numbers show that it's already five in the morning.

I sigh out loud in frustration and pull my bed sheets over my head, wishing so hard that I could just fall asleep, but no matter how hard I wish for sleep to overcome me it doesn't happen and the longer I lie awake in bed, the more I think about Nate and Johnny.

I can't get them out of my head for the life of me.

I want to make things right with Nate, but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about Johnny. Johnny has always been a great friend to me and even though we lost touch, our friendship never changed. We are still the same great friends we always have been, the only difference now is that I now know Johnny has feelings for me. Feelings I can't forget about.

He loves me and has for years now. I don't know when or how he fell in love with me, but it all makes so much sense now. The way he used to play with loose strands of my hair whenever it would fall in front of my face, how he'd "accidentally" touch me or the way he'd look at me when we were doing homework. Sometimes I thought he was spacing out when he would just stare at me, but I realize now that he was really looking at me.

I smack my face, feeling so stupid for not seeing the signs sooner.

I'm such an idiot.

I wish this new knowledge didn't change anything, but it does, because now just the thought of being around Johnny makes me nervous. I obviously feel bad about this because he's still my friend, but now that I know that he sees me as more than just a friend and has made it clear that he wants more from me, I can't help but want to put some distance between us because the last thing I want to do is lead him on. I can't give him what he wants, not when my heart belongs to Nate.

Nate is my everything and I hate that things between us are rough, but I also can't ignore what happened outside his apartment door. Not when he kissed that woman.

I can't just forgive him for something like that no matter how much I love him. He betrayed me and I cannot just lay here and pretend like it never happened, not when his betrayal is what brought me here. If it wasn't for what he did, I wouldn't be here. I would be with him, but I'm not.

His actions are what brought me back to the one place I have always felt safe, but today I'm determined to stop running and go back to face Nate no matter the outcome. I know full well that today is either going to end with us making up or it's going to end in heartbreak, and that alone terrifies me, but I can't let fear rule my life. Not anymore.

I am done being scared. I have to face the storm head-on, and whatever will be, will be.

I sigh aloud, yank my blankets off me and get out of bed, giving up completely on trying to fall asleep. There's no way I'm going to get any sleep at this point. It's useless, so I make my bed, get dressed and pack up my stuff before heading downstairs to make some coffee.

"You're up early," my dad comments as he steps in the kitchen and sits across from me at the dining room table.

"I could say the same thing about you."

"Touché," he responds with a grin.

"Why are you up so early?" It isn't like him to be up before six.

"I heard you shuffling things around in your room, so I figured I'd come check on you to make sure you're okay."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I say apologetically.