Falling Apart (On Hold)

Chapter One

I hope you like this chapter. :)

I know a bit or two about babies because my baby sister was born when I was nine and since my parents worked a lot and my brother was out most of the time, I took care of her a lot alone when I was old enough, but my knowledge about infants is still very limited. So, if there is something incorrect, please let me know.

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"Why are you called Cash?" I asked suddenly, as I sat up from my lying position on my living room couch. Cash turned his gaze away from the movie playing on TV to look at me and a sheepish smile crossed his face.

"Well," he started, a light blush crossing his face. "I guess it was because I managed to find ways to earn cash really quickly. You know, by doing little things and stuff. And even without my dad's money, I was pretty well off, even as a teenager. So my friends just randomly started calling me that and I guess it caught on," he explained.

I tilted my head to the side, hair falling over one shoulder. "That's...interesting." I laughed a little and then he joined in after a while. "I like Calvin, though. It's a nice name."

Cash shrugged. "I guess so. But I dunno, I grew attached to the name Cash and I like that, too."

I smiled at him and his warm eyes sought mine and held it. He raised his hand and beckonded with his index finger in a 'come here' motion. Giggling, I stood up and sauntered over, making sure to sway my hips in a seductive motion before he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me on his lap. Then his lips found mine and I lost myself in our kiss.

-

Cash was right. A week later, the divorce papers were mailed to me from his lawyer, Andrew Hart's office. I sucked in a breath as I saw them in the pile of letters and bowed my head to hide the tears. Tanner was lying on his bouncer seat wearing an adorable white onesie that had Momma's Boy written in bold, black letters, reaching for the toys hanging from the arch connecting from one side of the seat to the other.

It was offical, though. Cash was serious about this. He really wanted to go through with the divorce. I leaned back against the lush couch and closed my eyes, feeling my chest constrict with pain. Somewhere deep inside of me, I was desperately hoping that he would come to his senses after a while and come back. If not for me, at least for the baby.

My eyes skimmed through the papers and I let out a soft breath. It hurt that Cash wanted nothing to do with out child. He had given me full custody like he had said and this house. Even though my child had been rejected by the man who had fathered him, I couldn't help, but feel a little relieved. I didn't have to share Tanner with anyone. I didn't have to worry about an evil step-mother or women coming in and out of his life. It was just us two.

I did cry while I picked up the pen sitting on the coffee table and my hand shook as I wrote my signature in the empty spaces I was supposed to. But as soon as it was done, I folded the papers, putting them in a new envelope. I scribbled the address on the envelope and then walked out, despite the protests of Tanner, to put it in the mailbox. When the wailing became louder, I hurried back inside, kneeling down beside the bouncer seat and wiping Tanner's cheeks to rid of the wetness there.

"I'm right here, darling. Don't cry," I whispered. His lips quivered and I undid the straps that prevented him from falling off the bouncer and lifted him into my waiting arms. "Shh, shh. Momma's here." His cries quieted down to whimpers and I rocked him gently as I stood up from my kneeling position. Tanner fell silent as he began to suckle through my blouse and I laughed a little. "Are you hungry?" I cooed, kissing his brown hair and unbuttoned my top with one hand, holding him protectively with the other, careful not to drop him. Tanner was always insistent that I walked around when I fed him or he would get fussy.

When I pulled my bra down, he latched on instantly and I began to walk around the living room, wondering what was the plan now that the divorce was final. Of course, I would have to get a job, but could I really continue living here, in the house I'd shared with Cash for a year? Would I be able to stay here, where all our memories were created, where Tanner was concieved?

No, I decided. I couldn't stay here. I'd sell this house, adding to the money Cash had already given me and move back closer to my parents. That way, when I have a job, they could babysit Tanner and I wouldn't have to leave him with strangers. Since I'd been a housewife, I hadn't ever had to stay away from him, not more than a few hours a day, so leaving him in the care of people I knew nothing about didn't settle well with me.

I glanced down at Tanner and found him asleep with his hand curled into a fist under his chin. I smiled lovingly, fixing my bra to cover my bare breast. I buttoned my blouse and then climbed up the stairs, wondering about what would make Cash not want to get to know his son. Tanner was such a lovely baby. He was soothed easily and only cried when he was very anxious or hungry.

But he had said that night that he hadn't meant to get me pregnant. That he was caught up in the heat of the moment and forgot to put on a condom. I stroked Tanner's cheek, so glad that Cash had lost his common sense for just a moment because if he had not, I would never have had this beautiful child within my arms.

I couldn't help, but wonder why I hadn't realized before how unattached Cash was to Tanner. We made love well into the night, but whenever Tanner cried, Cash was always too tired to get up and feed him. The only times he even held Tanner was when he was born and right after I had come home from the hospital. Then he'd be so happy at times about something good that had happened at work and he'd come home to give both of us a kiss or a cuddle. But those days were rare.

I guess it was for the best. This way, Tanner wouldn't be too restless about Cash leaving us. They weren't close enough. Maybe I should stop with the moping now and start thinking about the good in my life instead of the bad. I couldn't afford to be so tuned into my feeling because of the risk of ignoring Tanner, even my accident.

Laying my baby carefully down in his crib, I turned on the baby monitor and left the room to go back downstairs. I needed to stop being so pathetic and begin to take more care of myself. I was still twenty-four years old. Still young and had so much more to live for. I was fresh out of college when I'd met Cash and we had married in a hurry, so I hadn't been able to apply for any long term jobs, so maybe I could be an intern in a company. But my parents lived in a pretty small town and there were no major businesses there. So I guess I'd have to settle for a waitress until I could get a better job.

Sell this house first, I told myself. Then worry about jobs. Besides, I still had to call my parents and tell them about the divorce because it had been so unexpected for me and I hadn't gotten the chance to tell them about it.

I sighed deeply and fell against the kitchen island. How was I going to do this all by myself?