" You only truly miss someone when they are gone.
And sometimes, it's hard to let go.
But you have to let him go..."
It is hard when your loved one is gone. But for Riley, it was something different. In a sick sort of way, she loved it-reminiscing...
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Dear everybody,
When life repeatedly kicks you on the guts, what do you do? You get back up? You keep picking yourself up again, again and again and again? What if, you don't even have that option? What if you just break under all that weight life put you under? After all, anything is meant to break under the hardest of pressures.
I, Leo Stewart; the guy who is saying bad things about life, unbelievable; right? I used to think life was fair, merciful, balancing to everyone. I don't think that anymore. Life is too much; can be too ruthless quite many of the times. And it is ruthless to me (ME, out of ALL the others, ME who truly loved life for whatever it was!) So, how is that even fair? It robbed me of my sanity, my happiness.
I used to have a happy middle classed family, I almost, ended up on the streets. I do not have a fun teenage hood anymore. I have to work day and night, getting free time only once in a while. I do not know what it feels like to be a teen (of which my dad so much talked about being)anymore. To me, life makes me think being a teenager sucked. I used to think my relatives were supportive, but life had to make them cruel, greedy and harsh. I never saw them again. I used to think, no matter how bad the condition of my financial status was, if I picked myself up ( i can hopefully) become an astronaut one day, or an artist, or a journalist, or a traveller or anything at all!
But life too....rips me off that opportunity...
There are two reasons why I'll do, what I'll do.....
I thought, I could give my family a better future....so I thought of money. No part time job gave me enough money even per year. None! And besides, I am not even a high-school graduate. I stressed myself out working and working till I literally felt the pressure sagging my shoulders every day. How could I not stress myself out? I have to bear everytime dad looked at a new thing. I always have to bear my mom looking at a cook book she admired. And I have bear to see my brother not see anything at all... It cracked me, made me desperate, so I made the most wrong decision ever...
I visited San Francisco, with an intention to visit a certain someone, suggested by an acquaintance who could give me a better job. I fell in wrong timing, wrong job, and with the wrong people. Something.....went wrong, they threatened to kill my family, my friends, and sure as hell that is no empty threat. (Trust me, I know it..) I thought of telling my family the truth, and if I had convinced them, maybe we could've changed places. I was about to, but (there's always a but)...
I started smoking on my late fifteens, but is it just, because of smoking? But I think it's because life, god or 'whoever' laid it out for me... I began getting sick somehow, I vomited a lot, my head started spinning and aching out of the blues. 'What is it? Are you okay?' That's what I asked myself; that's what the others asked. But an average person says at least 4 lies a day. And 99% percent of the time it's " It's nothing, I'm fine."
But am I really? Okay....? Fine.....? Is it nothing?
I spent last of my savings in a hospital checkup a lot later,which I went to by my own self.... I have cancer. And I was too late. The doctor gave me a year... Only a small percentage of people could survive this. And you needed to have money at first(always money at first...) And I have no chance, not when it comes to money (even a little to start my treatment; dad barely has a decent $10000—we needed it for food, education and personal needs and extras. I have calculated; at the end of the month we averagely had $100. Nothing could've been done with it); I have no chance, not at surviving either. I can't ask money from anyone else. My dad already owes a lot, I can't weigh him down more. And I already have people after me. Involving the police will also require money. No matter what people say, the piece of paper always wins at the end... So, I accept it with open arms and a cool mind . I am like a ticking bomb, about to explode any day. With batshit angry people after me , and the incurable disease that slowly possesses me whole; there is no going back. My mind is set on one thing, I do not think I am wrong in any way.
So I'll do what I think is the best,
Kill myself .
You guys will have to understand this, one day or another...
Can you really blame me?
I have no one to turn to, no one.
It's not any of yours fault, it's mine. You guys are always there for me, but I don't want to let you in (for valid reasons). Trust me when I say none of you can help me.
I am trapped in all the ways, all the doors around me are tightly shut. I distance myself further and further away. Thought it'd be easier to do it. But I know it won't be any easier .
Life has given me this. THIS.
I can't believe I'm saying this. But I hate you life! I hate you! And you are in no way, FAIR! Life is not fair! (Took a while for me to get it in my head, huh?) It kicks you in the guts, every time it gives you a mirage of hope and you manage to get back up one way or another. It'll push you back down until you completely break.
I finally broke. And no one can fix me. I know it.
I'm sorry to give up so soon. But I have no choice. I'm sorry of being a failure, a coward, a loser! I'm sorry for not living my life the way I was supposed to. I'm sorry for not having enough guts to tell my feelings for the only girl I loved. I'm sorry for many things. I wanted to be and do so...so much more than this. So much more than having a ruined-in-pieces life.
But life, you fractured me, tore me down, ripped me to shreds until you left me with nothing but a soul who is in pain, helpless, frail, a boy who no longer could smile, love, nor live. I feel empty, I feel hollow.
And I need to get rid of myself, I need to get rid of myself for you guys. And I do not regret it at all. I'd do it over and over again to save you from them, to save you from all that worry, insult, sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, loss, hazard, maybe even death. I don't want to give pain to anyone. But life has only one option in store. I have to choose it. Now or never.
If I get rid of everything, they will stop coming after my family and friends, and I will save my family from being robbed out from the littlest of money they possess.
I have to do what I have to do. I know you guys will be sad, angry, I get it. I'm okay with it....but you can't really blame me for doing what I did.
But you can blame me for the trouble I brought you...
But mostly, blame the life, the world....GOD for it...
I'm not saying you guys don't love me, you all do.But don't worry, it'll pass as soon as it happened. I'll be just like another passerby in your lives. We all are, just passedbys who come and go, appear and disappear in each others lives. Some are meant to stay, while some are meant to go. Some are meant to come back but some are not meant to come back at all.... It'll get easier. But not in one day, but it'll get easier some day... Love you, goodbye... Leo.
