For the Love of Chaos

Real

Deaton handed a cup to Derek and Stiles. "You'll need to drink this. Then take each other's hand and close your eyes."

Stiles and Derek did as the druid said. Derek's hands gripped Stiles' tightly, his nerves at the forefront of his mind.

"Concentrate on each other, think about the connection you two share," Deaton ordered. His voice sounded distant in Derek's ears. He heard the druid continue to talk but he couldn't make out anything except the steady thrum of a heartbeat. Stiles' heartbeat. He focused on it as a warmth spread over him.

Suddenly images of himself hit him. Him smiling. Him running an anxious hand through his hair. Him worrying over Boyd. Him on the balcony. He was seeing Stiles' memories of him. He felt the wash of warmth but this time it swelled like a wave over him instead of spreading through him. It was so familiar and yet he couldn't quite place it. Then just as quickly as it came it was all gone.

Derek's eyes flew open, the scent in his nostrils was unmistakable. The panic in Stiles' eyes confirmed it.

Stiles loved him.

The pair remained hand in hand, staring at each other in silence.

"It's done," Deaton said, when neither one moved.

Stiles parted his lips slightly as if considering saying something but paused.

Derek's eyes darted to the Emissary's mouth briefly before settling back on his eyes.

"How do you feel?" Scott asked, when the pair remained unmoving.

It was only then that Derek pulled his hands away, dropping his eyes.

"Fine," Stiles answered refusing to look away from Derek. He was trying to decipher what he'd just seen. Derek's memories of him researching. The way his tongue would flick across his lower lip. His hand in Derek's while he laid unconscious in Derek's bed. Him caring for Boyd.

"Is that it?" Scott looked to Deaton as if waiting for a catch.

"That is it. But Stiles. Blood magic-"

"Is dangerous, I got it," Stiles cut in.

"Do you?" Derek snapped then. His anger getting the better of him. He was still frustrated that Stiles took that risk.

"I know you're pissed but I did what needed to be done," Stiles sighed.

"You promised," Derek barked, taking a half step forward. His hands craved to reach out and touch Stiles.

"I know, but they were getting the better of us and-"

"I've lost too many people, Stiles. Don't you get that?" Derek cut in, his hands clenching at his sides.

"I've lost people too and I didn't want you to be one of them," Stiles gestured at Derek, with a huff.

"So what, it's okay to add you to my list?" Derek fought to keep the growl out of his tone but ultimately failed.

Stiles' eyes dropped to the floor then, unable to look at Derek anymore, "It was different. Or at least I thought it was."

Derek frowned, "Different how?"

"For you I was just a pack member, not even a close one. I was beneficial but a means to an end. But for me..." Stiles trailed off and Derek instantly knew where Stiles was going with this. He tensed but said nothing.

"I thought you mattered more to me than I did to you," Stiles' tone was quiet, and he still refused to meet Derek's eyes.

"Well you were wrong," with that Derek turned and stalked out of the office. He couldn't have this conversation Stiles.

Stiles frowned at the door as it swung shut behind the alpha. "Wait, where-" Stiles hurried after Derek.

"Derek, where are you going?" Stiles grabbed the alpha's wrist to stop him.

Derek yanked away, turning to face Stiles with a hard stare. "Home."

"Are we just not gonna talk about it then?" Stiles huffed, throwing his hands up.

"There's nothing to talk about," Derek growled. It was a warning he knew Stiles understood.

"Nothing to-are you kidding me? I know you felt it too, so how is there nothing to talk about?" Stiles flailed his hands wildly, ignoring the warning completely.

"Because it's not going to happen," Derek's jaw clenched. He would never regret saving Stiles, but he really wished his secret had remained just that.

"Why not?"

"Damn it, Stiles why are you making this harder?" Derek was losing his patience.

"Making what harder? I just found out you feel the same way I do, and I'm supposed to what, pretend you don't?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Why? Derek I lov-"

"Don't," Derek snapped, cutting Stiles off. "Don't say it."

"Why? Because then you can't pretend it's not real. Well guess what, it is. I love you, Derek. Whether you like it or not."

Derek's hands clenched and his jaw tightened. Hearing Stiles say the words out loud did make it real and it made Derek want to give in.

Stiles stepped forward, closing most of the space between them.

"Stiles," Derek's tone was almost a plea. As if begging him not to come any closer.

"Tell me you don't feel the same way and I'll let it go," Stiles' voice was quiet and timid like he might scare Derek away if he wasn't careful.

Derek didn't respond, his chin dropped to his chest.

"Do you love me?" Stiles asked. He had to hear Derek admit it. He had to know it was real.

Derek closed his eyes. There was no use in lying. Stiles knew the truth. It had been splayed out for him to see.

"Yes, but..." Derek couldn't meet Stiles' eyes as he spoke.

"You don't want to be with me," Stiles' stomach twisted with disappointment.

Derek, once again, didn't respond.

"At least tell me why?" Stiles tried to hide the sadness in his tone, but he knew Derek could smell it on him. His magic hadn't resurfaced yet, so he couldn't even try and mask it.

"You're only seventeen."

Stiles rolled his eyes with a scoff. "Are you serious right now? This is about age?"

"It's not just that. The only two people I've ever..." he trailed off unable to say it. "They ended poorly."

"I'm not Kate, and neither are you," Stiles snapped.

Derek flinched slightly at the mention of her name.

"There was also Paige," Derek mumbled so low, Stiles almost didn't hear. "She was human and I lost her."

"I'm not human-"

"And I still almost lost you," Derek cut in, his tone sharp once more.

"I was protecting the pack. Deucalion would have killed me anyway," Stiles responded defensively.

"You don't think I know that? I hate that you're in this. You shouldn't have to be. You're too-"

"If you say young, I swear to god," Stiles growled.

Derek let out a sigh but didn't finish his sentence.

Stiles scoffed before stepping past the alpha.

"Where are you going?"

Stiles whipped around, "Look, I just got out of a magical coma and was immediately magic roofied and then dumped by a guy I'm not even dating. I'm going home to sleep for a week."

Derek fought to ignore the guilt that swept over him. He could smell the regret and heartbreak on Stiles. And it was because of him.

*AN*
Okay guys, so there's only gonna be one more chapter. I know, it's sad, but fear not. I have a new one in the works. I'll have it posted in a day or two. ❤