Never with Me (Book 1)

[9]: Losing myself

        I am not sure how long I sat in the corner, but my body was stiff from being in the same position for too long.  Using my hand, I placed it on the wall, using it to help myself stand up.  My legs protesting and cramping.  After standing and making sure my legs were steady enough, I took a few steps forward, heading to my bathroom.  I removed one strap of my dress first, then the other, letting the fabric of my beautiful dress pool around my feet.  Leaving it there, I stepped out of it, almost completely naked besides my underwear.

        I walked to the bathtub, and turned both knobs until water began pouring out.  Placing my hand under the stream, waiting for it to heat.  Once it did, I pulled the lever up, allowing the tub to fill.  While waiting for it to fill a little, I once again turned towards the mirror.   My mascara and liner was streaming down my face from my tears, staining my cheeks black.  My eyes were dull, and lack luster.  My hair was disheveled, and the diamond pin I had used earlier was now hanging limply entangled half way down my hair.  Raising shaking fingers, I began to untangle the mass of hair from it, to pull it out.  Becoming increasingly frustrated, my anger boiled over and I simply yanked it out of my hair.  Pulling a huge clump of hair out along with it, leaving a tender discreet bald spot on my scalp.

        The anger intensified, and I watched as my hands fisted and my nails began to dig into my palm.  I watched as beads of blood begin to seep from my palms.  Realizing at some point, my wolf claws had descended and were currently piercing the skin.  I began panicking trying to calm myself down, but the more I tried to, the longer my claws extended, until they had pierced to the other side of my hand.  Causing blood to start pouring from the self-inflicted wounds I had given myself.

        Suddenly, my claws retracting, causing me to yelp as the exited my flesh.  I quickly turn on the facet on my sink, washing off the blood.  Trying to remove the evidence of what had just happened.  I had no control over my rage, no control over my body.  Nothing mattered but being angry.  As the water begin to clear of blood, I turned off the water.  Looking at my hands, my wounds were already scabbing over, but I knew it would take a few hours for them to heal, since my healing was greatly decreased.

        Sighing, I turned towards my tub, noticing that it was half filled.  I toed the water with my foot, making sure it wasn't too hot.  After which, I shucked off my underwear, and lowered my body into the tub.  I closed my eyes, and rested the back of my head against the side of the tub.  Trying relax.  Trying to get a control of my emotions.  Thinking back over the events of the night, my anger surged back to life.  My k-9 teeth lengthened, and once again my claws distended from my hands.  The anger began to fester inside of me, and all I saw was red.

        I watched in horror, as this entity of anger inside of me took control, and began using its claws on my body.  I watched as it sank claws into my legs and stomach, making deep lacerations in a criss-cross fashion all over my body.  Terrified, I watched as the once clear water, turned red with my blood. I closed my eyes then, and when I re-opened them, the water had gone back to normal.  I am not sure if it was a dream or a hallucination again, but whatever it was, it terrified me.

        Deciding the bath was enough, I began to raise myself out of the water, when the burning inferno slammed like a truck in my belly.  I was unprepared for it this time, and having been in the process of stepping out of the bath, I quickly slipped and fell.  Slamming myself down on the tiles of the floor.  My head hit them so hard, that I heard a ringing in my head.  But the pain in my head was nothing like the sheer burning agony breathing life in my abdomen.  On my hands and knees, dripping with water, on unsteady limbs, I tried to crawl to my bed.  But I knew I wouldn't make it there before the scream bubbled up and out of my throat.  Looking to the left, I saw my towel bar with the semi-damp towel I had used early, hanging there.  While still on my hands and knees, I raised a shaking arm up and pulled the towel down to me.  Just in time, I was able to stuff it into my mouth before the pain over took me.  I could hear my teeth fracturing from the pressure of my clenching jaw.

        With the towel in my mouth, I fell over to my side and pushed my body into a fetal position.  Bruising began to appear on my pale skin.  They appeared as if someone had dropped black dye in a tub of water.  Dropping, then rippling out with the movement of the water, before saturating it and turning everything in it black.  Then the painful electric shocks began traveling through my spine, causing me to seizure, making me contort my body into painful positions.  This went on and on for hours.   At times, I passed out from the pain.  Only to be woken up again by it.  It was never ending, and all consuming.  Tears leaked from my eyes, and that was felt the razor sharp pain at my neck.  It felt like someone took a dull knife, and was currently fileting the skin from my neck.  It was then, I knew Damien was placing a mate mark on Rachel.

        It was at that very moment, my mind snapped and I lost myself to the darkness.