Never with Me (Book 1)

[14]: Not enough time

        Four, today my number is four.  Four days left.  Four days more to live.  Four days more to laugh.  Four days more to love. Four days more to smile.  Four days more to not have regrets.  Four days more to cherish.  Four days more to make memories   Four days more to sing.  Four days more with my brother.  Four days more to fit a lifetime in.  Tomorrow, my number would be three.  But today, it is four.

        I had spent the last few days with Alex since Damien had given him time off from his Beta duties.  And what a glorious three days it had been.  We had reverted back to being children.  Pranks, laughter, and fun.  That was what my days had been filled with for these three days.  Sometimes, when he wasn't looking, my sadness overwhelmed me.  I would look at him as his eyes were looking elsewhere, and tears would form in my eyes.  I would always wipe them away before he could see them, and laugh or smile at whatever he said to me. 

        Although my days were filled with these moments, my nights are still filled with the entity that lives where my soul use to be.  Last night it had reached a pinnacle.  I watched as if from above, as whatever controlled me began tearing at my own flesh at the back of my neck.  I watched in horror as it had lifted its/my arms above my head, a sharp silver blade in one hand, while the other lifted the hair off the back of my neck.  A sneer appeared on its/my face, when I heard it talk to me.  It looked directly into my eyes in the mirror.

"You ready for us Leilani? Enjoy your freedom while it lasts, cause he will be here soon."

        It then placed the blade of the knife to the back of my neck, digging into my flesh.  I could feel the searing pain as the knife penetrated into me.  It was digging and clawing at my skin.  I felt as chunks of skin and flesh intermingled with blood slid down the back of my neck, down to my lower back.  For hours, it continued to dig into my skin repeatedly.  As the skin would heal over, it would repeat the process all over again, until I thick scar formed at the base of my neck.  Even now, it was there, but hidden by my hair.  Just like I had hidden everything else from the world.

        After it had carved into my skin, it allowed me to sleep.  But it was not restful in the least.  Every dream it allowed me to have, caused me to wake up shivering from pain and sadness. Time and time again, I had woken up breathing frantically as I had done so many times before.   The dreams it allowed me to have, were all memories.  Every memory I had of Damien and Rachel in intimate situations.  The memory of Damien's words the day I found out I was his mate.  The memories of the inferno I felt every time Damien made love to Rachel.  I could feel every painful feeling in my body, as I dreamed.  The last dream was the worst by far.  It was not a memory, but a promise of what was to come.  I watched as a vision of myself begged and pleaded with Damien to accept me as his mate.  I watched as I told him what would happen to me if he did not.  Only to watch him turn away from me, and walk to the open arms of Rachel.  Rejecting me yet again, even with the knowledge that his choice would mean my eminent death.  He still chose her.  He always chose her.  I would never be first choice.  Only a replacement that was utterly lacking.  But I would always wake up the next morning, determined to create moments with my brother. 

       I am already missing these moments with him, though they are now fleeting as the days pass.  I wasn't making memories for myself, but memories for him.  Memories he could look back on and smile.  Memories that would sustain him for long after I was gone.  Memories he could share with the children Abby and him would create together.  I realized then, that not only would I miss out on my future nieces and nephews, but I would miss out on so many first things.

My first kiss
Making love for the first time
My twenty first birthday
Getting my first tattoo
My brother's first child
My first time driving a car
My first time seeing the ocean
My first child

I would never experience a child or pregnancy.  Feeling a life grow within my womb.  I would miss out on all the firsts of my child as well.  I would never see any of them.

My child's first steps
My child's first smile
My child's first words
My child's first words
My child's first tooth
Holding my child for the first time

        So many first things I would miss, so many things I couldn't accomplish in my short time on Earth.  Would I have done more if I knew my destiny for more than two years?  Would I change anything that has happened to me so far in my life? No.  I had no regrets.  There wasn't anything I would change.  Not even Damien's rejection.  Through that rejection, I had learned what true unconditional love was, and how to live your life as if everyday was your last.  The irony of that cliche, is everyday is exactly that.  My last.

        At that moment, I felt the cold splash of water hit the side of my head, and looked over as my brother aimed a water gun towards me and shot me right in the face.  Laughing, I took after him to exact my own revenge.   Just before I reached him, I looked up at the house and saw Damien and Rachel kissing passionately, ruining my happiness once again. The quick pain of seeing them together, caused me to falter in my steps and fall tumbling to the ground.  I would not let them ruin this day.  I am determined to enjoy four, with my brother.

        Especially knowing, I didn't have enough time.