schiz·o·phre·ni·a
/ˌskitsəˈfrēnēə,ˌskitsəˈfrenēə/
a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from r...
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My heartbeat began to speed up. Something felt off at first and now everything felt off.
"No," I cried out, "No No not again."
Just like that my world ended for the third time this week.
I screamed out and burst into tears filled with pain and agony.
Saint, my older brother was killed right in front of me when I was 7 years old during the spring time.
Saint was the man according to the females both his age, older, and younger. Girls would lust over him and to get with him was seem as an accomplishment
He had a small group of male friends who treated him no different than anyone else, even after people in our neighborhood switched up. They usually were together at one of the other persons house. That week was different though.
Saint wasn't one to tell his business to me. I was young, How could I understand what was going on his life? That's how it always was until the beginning of the week when he expressed his feeling to me.
He said things that my mind wouldn't let me process at the time, so much that I don't remember the conversations at all.
We were playing in the front yard that day laughing our asses off. I would usually play with the other kids in my neighborhood but one day they all stopped associating themselves with my family.
I didn't know why but I knew it had something to do with our mother because of the way they would stare at her and pray for me.
My mom kept secrets yeah I knew that but I didn't know what cause people to see us different and I never asked neither.
It didn't matter though. I had saint and he was the one friend who wouldn't leave me. Even till this day. I remember that day like it just happened because it did...
I cried out his name as if no one could hear me. My cold body laid on the floor not caring about the dirtiness of it. With my knees to my chest I laid in the same spot where his blood was flowing in my head.
Time went by and I woke up. My head was spinning and I was confused as to where I was. Slowly getting up, I could barley keep my balance. I looked at myself in the mirror before loosing balance again and banging my head again the hard sink.
And then everything went black.
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"Myiana no you don't get it" I huffed.
"What's not to get," she yelled over the phone, "not only to you like a guy you just met but you met him at a institution!"
She's never happy for me I said to myself.
"Okay...and?"
"How do you think mom would react to this?" She asked.
Before I could get my response in I hear a second voice over the phone.
"You're on the phone with that crazy bastard again?" The voice said before the phone was muted.
Then it clicked, that was the voice of my own mother. I knew she had resentment towards me but the way she spoke those words filled with hate I could sense the negative energy over the phone.
I knew that she was embarrassed of me and it was like this before I tried to hurt someone. I didn't know why but I had a clue. It was probably because the fact that she was having twins was too much to handle. I guess I came up and an inconvenience since I was second born and came with more health complications.
Sitting in the thought of that, all of my other traumas came back.
I didn't grow up perfect. Not even close.
My mom had me and my sister at 15 with a man that was twice her age, it was consensual though, that was her so-called boyfriend. They would take part in drugs together even while she was pregnant.
His name was Robert and will always be. I would never give the the dad title. That man sick man was abusive. A drunk and a druggie.
We all live together in a small 2 bedroom apartment where the room was the size of a small walk in closet. He wasn't too abusive towards me and my sister at first he wasn't abusive towards Myiana at all. Never was.
We literally looked the same so how could they pick favourites? It gotten so bad that me and her would trade lives sometimes so I'd get to go out and have fun.
Robert was controlling too. I mean he would force my mom to take drugs with him even if she didn't want to. When she stood up to him he would make her choose between a beating for herself or me or my sister. Myiana rarely gotten chosen , for me I couldn't say the same.
One night while everyone was asleep, except me and Robert. He was drunk as usually and I didn't mind it because it wasn't nothing new.
That night was hell. I hated him just a little bit more than I did the day before. I told my mom, she didn't care, I told Myiana she held on to me and told me she'll protect me.
