call it what you want • narry storan AU

nine: harry

Niall went to sleep in his room a couple of hours ago. I can't even close my eyes. And I know it's three in the dawn, but somehow, I just can't take a rest. 

I hate when it happens. When my body refuses to find peace and my mind does the same. When I suddenly start reminding past memories of when One Direction was still a fever in the world, when we had fame, money, the top of the charts and our fans. When I had Louis Tomlinson, or I thought I had him. When I had Niall James Horan to comfort me every time something went wrong. When my biggest problem at the time was the chocolate cookies not being in my bed every morning, like Niall used to do for me every time I had a bad night.

I wonder if he had feelings for me back in 2014. I wonder if he still has feelings for me today. I wonder if that's why he came to Cheshire.

And now I'm paranoid with these thoughts. Fuck it.

I get up from bed, shaking away all traces of sleep that are still left in me. I go down the stairs and head straight for the backyard, carrying my duvet on my back. Sitting down on the wood bench, I wrap my body in the duvet and stare at the moonlight above me. 

Don't think about him, Harold, don't think about him, I say to myself multiple times. He does not deserve your attention. He never did. Louis was such a shitty man to you.

"Haz." Niall's soft voice makes my eyes go widen.

"Still awake?" I answer, my eyes still focused on the moon, my body trying not to shiver at the presence of the blond man here.

"Heard you muttering at the stairs", he says, sitting next to me and pulling a part of the duvet to cover his legs too. "Anything wrong?"

"Louis." It's all I can say.

"Stay the fuck away, Horan", Louis points a finger straight to Niall's face, his left hand still gripping my arm tightly. "This conversation is between me and Harry."

Niall looks scared as hell. My neurons scream for me to let go of his grip and hold on to Nialler as soon as I can. But if he's scared, so am I. Don't know what to do without evoking his wrath. I fear him right now.

"Let go of Harry's arm, Louis", it's all the blondie says, "it's hurting him."

"Who are you to deduce he's hurting? You saw what he did in front of me. In front of me!"

"Stop it. Harry did nothing wrong", Niall tries to defend me, one step closer to us now. Now I fear for him too.

"Niall, don't", my voice sounds cracked at my words. "It's fine."

"No, it's not", he shouts this time. Shit. "Louis."

"Tell him we're just gonna talk like two adults, Styles", Lou yells at me. "Tell him!"

"He was a shit one", Niall says, smirking at the end of the phrase.

"Yeah, he was", I try to shake off the bad feelings about the memory. "But he still haunts me."

He remains silent for the next 30 seconds. I can only hear his deep breath by my side, and I want to say something to break the ice. To make him look at me again.

"Haz." His cracked tone of voice calls my attention.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have... huh--", he stops himself in the middle. I turn around only to see his confused face.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know how to start this conversation."

"Well... start with the beginning."

"Idiot." He laughs. "It's a serious topic, okay?"

"Just be honest, Nialler."

"Did you ever have feelings for me?"

I choke a little bith with his question.

"I knew I shouldn't ask that", he starts being sorry, and all I want is to shut his mouth before things go too far. "Sorr--"

"I did", the words slip out of my mouth, cutting his apologize. "I fell in love with you once."

He doesn't say a thing. Instead, he nods at me, urging me to keep talking.

"2015, I guess. I mean, I had liked you before, but when Louis and I... you know what happened", he nods again, and I shiver at the thought of that day. "I just used to have a gay panic every time you dared to exist in front of me. And I'm serious."

"Oh, so I was such a menace, huh?" Niall jokes, poking my shoulder.

"Shut up, you asked for it", I joke back. "I just fell in love with everything about you. But I tried to kill these feelings because I thought I was only being needy after Louis, you know."

"And were you successful?"

"What?"

"Did you manage to kill this feeling?"

I gasp. There's a little voice telling me to not reveal the truth right now, that I should take time to make him love me back before opening myself up so much. But there's a big scream encouraging me to take this shit off my chest before it kills me in a bad way.

"No."

Our eyes meet for the first time in this conversation. I try to keep breathing, because I know that just the sight of Niall Horan in front of me is capable of breaking me down inside.

"I still like you, Ni."