In the End

29 ~ Alive

I'm a firm believer in everyone gets the punishment they deserve.

I think that's why I'm okay with the guilt eating me alive. It's been 32 hours since we got home from the cabin. 32 hours of spending time with Beau. Hugging him. Kissing him.

And absolutely hating myself every step of the way.

"Jovie." Mom knocks on my bedroom door. "They're here."

Nodding, I look at myself in the mirror. The bags under my eyes are purple. I don't think I've gotten any sleep since being back. Part of me wants to run over and confess everything to Beau. To beg for forgiveness, but it's Christmas Eve.

He left for Texas this morning. Where he'll spend time with his family and friends and have a great holiday.

Heading downstairs, I'm tackled into a hug. "How's my favorite cousin?"

"Yo, asshole!" Gentry shouts from the kitchen. "We can hear you."

"Hi, Gabe." I smile.

"This is the part where you remind me that I'm your favorite." He whispers.

"That'd be a lie." Manny Sanchez slaps the back of his head. "Little Jo doesn't lie."

Vomit threatens to come up as I hug her. Little do they know.

"Merry Christmas, Jo." Drew holds his arms out and I run for the embrace of my oldest cousin.

"You're my favorite." I whisper.

"I knew it."

"Forget about the cousins." Gabe's mom walks in. "Who's the better aunt?"

"Aunt Callie, you know I can't pick." I tease one of my mother's lookalikes.

"Please." Aunt Hallie comes from the kitchen. "She loves me more because I birthed her favorite cousin."

Listening to my family bicker, I sit alone at the kitchen table.

"Merry Christmas, my little Joybug."

"Uncle Ricardo." I grin as he sits beside me. "I'm so happy you, Emmy and Manny could join us."

"We'll officially be family in a month." He winks. "Might as well get used to this chaos."

That gets a genuine chuckle out of me. Chaos is the perfect way to describe this.

Picking at the frayed placemat, I try to drown my sorrows.

"What's wrong?" His elbow nudges me.

"Nothing." I sigh.

"Jovie." He warns. Taking a cautious scan of the room, I hesitate, and he nods. "Let's go outside."

Getting up, we pass by my mom and aunts in the TV room, already on their second bottle of wine.  My poor uncle's watch, listening to their hyena laughs.

"Ricky, where you taking my kid?" Mom demands.

"I got to smoke." He pulls the carton from his pocket. "It gets lonely out there."

For a second, mom scans me, and I offer my best smile. She shouldn't worry about me right now. This is the first Christmas we've spent with family in forever. Uncle Ricardo doesn't stop so I follow, feeling her eyes glued to the back of my head as we sit on the porch steps.

"Talk to me." He says.

Resting my head on my knees, I try to find what I want to say. "Have you ever made a decision that ruined you?"

"I've made a few." He admits, lighting a cigarette. "Be more specific." The words get caught in my throat and he taps my leg. "Whatever you say stays between us. Don't worry about me running to your mom."