The Endless Torment of an Admin (MCSM Fanfiction)

Chapter 4 - Emotional Turmoil

The grass felt soft beneath Jesse's bare feet, the sun beating down on her arms and legs warm. She closed her eyes, taking in a slow, deep breath of the fresh air. It felt good to be outside again.

After what happened between her and Petra during the night, Jesse's simply confined herself to the small space between the four walls of her bedroom. It had started feeling like a prison, but it was also her safe space. A tiny corner of the world where she couldn't hurt anybody.

Jesse's spent what was left of the night, staring up at her bedroom ceiling. She hasn't been able to sleep, or even start feeling tired for that matter. It took Jesse a few hours to realise that she probably no longer needed to sleep, needed to eat. And with that realisation it dawned on her that she was also suddenly immortal.

Stopping, Jesse reached up to rake her hands through her hair. No, no, no, she came there to get the thoughts out of her mind, not get further lost in them!

Jesse knew her friends wouldn't like the idea of her leaving the Order Hall like that, but she snuck out with sunrise. She needed to clear her head, get away from everything.

It was so unlike her to want space instead of comfort.

Jesse sunk down on the grass against a tree, leaning her head onto her knees and closing her eyes. Getting in and out of Beacontown without being recognised wasn't hard, and there wouldn't be anybody out in the surrounding forests. It felt good to know she was alone, she could think out loud, she could... try things.

Opening her eyes again, Jesse looked down at her pinkish hands. She wondered how Romeo did it, used his powers. If accidentally burning Petra proved anything, it was that she too had the abilities he did. There was so much more to it than she initially imagined.

Biting her lip, Jesse coiled her hands into tight fists. No, she... she didn't want to know what she was capable of. She wanted to get rid of her powers, she didn't want to be an admin. And that meant not accepting her powers, not embracing them.

Crossing her arms over her knees again, Jesse buried her face into them. She felt so lost, so out of place. Like she didn't belong there.

"We thought you were dead! You weren't breathing, your heart wasn't beating!"

Jesse shook her head, biting her lip as she remembered her friend's words.

"She was dead. Heartbeat gone, I had held her limp body in my arms."

The red haze began returning to her eyes as Jesse shook her head again. No, she... she didn't feel that way because she was meant to be dead, right?

"Jesse will die, but the Admin won't."

With a pained cry, Jesse slammed her hand down onto the grass. Tears were collecting in her glowing eyes. She refused to accept it, she was still her. The real Jesse didn't die, this wasn't the admin in her place. No, no, no!

Jesse's nose twitched at the smell of smoke. Her gaze drifted down to where her hand was, the grass around her clenched fist shrivelling up.

Ripping her hand back, Jesse stared down at the patch of scorched grass with wide eyes, gasping. How the hell was she even doing it?

Quickly scrambling to her feet, Jesse stared down at her pale, pinkish hands. She gulped thickly, flexing her fingers. If only she understood how she was doing what she was doing, she could figure out how to stop doing it.

"This is fucking pointless!" Jesse screamed, grasping handfuls of her chestnut hair. "I never asked for any of this!"

Tears were cascading down her face, her eyes glowing a bright red. Jesse's heart pounded wildly inside her chest, the world around her spinning. It felt like she was loosing it, spiralling into insanity. A type of frustration and rage that she's never experienced before pulsed through her veins.