Silenced- A Larry Stylinson Story

Chapter 14- POV Louis: Deadened

Love. A word that people throw around so much it has nearly lost its meaning.

What is love? Some might say it's simply having a strong desire for another person. But it goes so much deeper than that, especially for me and Harry. 

Love is putting someone else's needs so far beyond your own that sometimes you forget you need to care for yourself, too. 

Love is having such an intense passion for someone that it cannot be put into words.

 It's needing to be with someone so much that it hurts to be apart. 

It's looking at someone and seeing no flaws whatsoever, even if they see a million flaws in themselves. 

It's the idea that you care about someone so much that even if they mess up beyond repair, you can forgive them. 

It's where you still get butterflies when they kiss you, even after decades of being together. Love- real, true, love- never fades. 

And sure, love may be magical and lustful and thrilling, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Sometimes- a lot of the time- it's hard. There are fights and breakups and occasionally even hardships so complex they threaten to ruin the thing that means the most in the world to you.

So, when Harry called to tell me that he was being sent off to a boarding school four hours away from me, I nearly died. Not literally, of course, but on the inside.

I crawled into my bed and covered my head with blankets and stayed on the phone with Harry for hours, just listening to each other breathing, eyes closed, imagining we were snuggled up next to each other. Harry's parents wouldn't let him say goodbye to me, and they checked his bedroom every hour to see if he had snuck out, which, of course, he hadn't, because... well... he's Harry.

The next morning, when I woke up, my heart still ached. I didn't want to get out of bed, and luckily I didn't have to since it was a weekend. I just wanted to call Harry, but he wasn't allowed phone access at his new boarding school, so instead I settled on doing nothing. I layed in bed, eyes shut, willing myself to sleep away the pain, which worked for another few hours, until I was awake again and couldn't go to sleep, as hard as I tried. And trust me, I tried hard. I tried until the sun went down and I was finally asleep again, and I finally woke up the next morning, heart still hurting, but a tad bit less. Key word- just a tad.

I sat up in bed and sighed. I was too restless to stay in bed, but I didn't have any desire to actually do anything. That's when I heard a knock on the door, and I opened it to see Niall and some girl I didn't recognize staring at me kindly. I think they said hello, but I was kind of zoned out so I don't remember. I let them in without a word and they sat on the couch, so I did too.

That's where I am now, staring dully at Niall and the girl. "This is Reagan." He says, gesturing to the girl, who smiles cheerfully. She is very beautiful, with chocolate brown eyes and smooth tan skin. Her medium-length dark brown hair is pulled back into a ponytail and she looks like the kind of person that would make friends with anyone- no matter who they are. Niall wraps his arm around Reagan sweetly, then looks at her tenderly and says, "She's my girlfriend." His eyes then widen and his hand whips back at his side in guilt.

I can tell he feels bad for being so affectionate in front of me, since I can't do the same with Harry.

"Last night," Niall begins to explain, "Harry called me." My eyes water at the mention of his name and a tear slips out. I wipe it away before they notice. "He said he was about to go to a boarding school and that he isn't allowed a phone. He asked me to keep an eye on you. Louis, I... I'm so sorry. I know how in love you two are, and I..." He trails off, realizing he is only making me feel worse. "I'm sorry." He concludes sorrowfully.

Suddenly I find myself choking out sobs of despair and misery and then Niall is hugging me and Reagan is making tea- yorkshire tea, to be exact. She has good taste. "It's so hard." I whisper fiercely into Niall's shoulder. "So, so hard."

"I know. You'll be okay, Louis." He whispers back. "Okay?" 

I answer with, "Okay." I cry harder, because it really doesn't feel like I will be. Nothing about my life right now feels okay. I pull away as Reagan hands me the steaming hot tea. My tears drip down my face and land in the mug, but I take a sip anyways.

Suddenly I am overcome with pure rage. I stand up, tea spilling all over me, and shout, not necessarily to anyone, "WHY? Why, why, why does this have to happen to me?"

Niall stands up and tries to comfort me but I shrug his hand off my shoulder. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I scream, "Why did I have to fall in love with the most amazing guy and why did he have to go away? Why?!"

I give in to the sudden urge to throw my teacup against the wall. It shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, just like my heart. I fall to my knees and sob, and then Niall is hugging me tightly and then I'm asleep.

Finally, at peace again.

________

A month passes, very slowly. I feel so numb, going to school and doing my homework, but spending the remaining time in bed or third wheeling with Reagan and Niall. Even when I am with them, I am numb. I smile and frown, but it is never genuine.

My heart doesn't hurt anymore, but it doesn't not hurt, either.

I simply exist; I don't feel. Even on my sister's birthday, when my mum and I throw her surprise party, I smile and chat with everyone and try to act happy, but when it's over I throw myself onto my bed, exhausted from faking my feelings all day.

It feels as if I am wearing a mask- trying to make everyone believe I am fine (except for Niall, he knows me too well). Everyday, I put said mask on and go about my classes, answering just enough questions for it to be normal, no more. I do just enough of my homework to maintain a B average.

I haven't played football in months and I have no desire to. It reminds me of Harry, and the day we first met, and I don't like to think about Harry because then I start crying.

Today is another average Thursday. I am laying on my bed, staring numbly at the ceiling when my phone rings. It's probably Niall, so I ignore it. It rings again, and I ignore it again. Then it rings a third time, which is unusual because usually Niall will try twice at the most.

I annoyedly grab my phone and glance at the Caller ID. It's not a number in my contacts, because if it was then it would show their name. Curiously, I click 'answer' and place the phone to my ear. My breathing speeds up as I listen to the person breathing on the other end.

"Hi Louis." He says, and my heart stops. I feel a twang in my stomach, and suddenly all of the feelings that have been nowhere to be found for the last month come rushing back. My heart aches and my mind is spinning, but I have another feeling too- hope. 

It's Harry.

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