Vulnerable Heart

About my books and a Rant about my Life

Good Morning Everyone, (Trigger Warning, Abuse, Addiction, Suicide)

I hope all is going well. I felt the need to write on here simply to explain what has happened since He Was Mine, Swan Prince, and Vengeful Love were taken down from this platform. About two to three years ago. I was approached on here by a company called iReader.

They reached out and I'll admit I've had other offers from different platforms like Dreame, and many others. I'll admit I was excited. It felt good to be approached for my books because I always wanted to be a "writer". It seems silly now as I realize that is what I have always been.

I'd wanted validation a company of some sort to offer me a book deal. My dream has always been for a company like Random House or Simon & Schuster to publish my books. Books have been a very important part of my life.

When I was growing up. My father was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He would beat my mother in front of me and my two siblings. One of my earliest memory was of my father chocking my mother out with a belt. I can remember screaming, crying, begging him to stop because he was going to kill her. I was five. Soon after, he began hitting me too. As the years went on things only got worse. Although I did not know it at the time at just five years old I was already showing signs of depression, panic attacks, anxiety, and depersonalization. I was the oldest and while my mother worked I did my best to look after my little brother and sister.

I took them to school. Picked them up, made sure they ate. Picked out their clothes. Helped them take baths. Helped them with homework. I practically raised them on my own because my mother was always working. I cooked. I cleaned. I did everything I could for them all while feeling like I was nothing. I felt self-hatred, I did not like looking at myself in the mirror.

My father had said that he hated me because I looked like my mother. Since then I disliked my reflection and I would stare at myself in the mirror at just five and six years old for hours on end. I promised myself that I would change. I would so whatever it took to get him to love me again. I did well in school, I helped around the house, I waited on my father like a maid hand and foot. But nothing seemed to make him happy and the beatings never seemed to stop.

I won my first writing contest when I was eight. My teachers all praised me and my story was put on a bulletin board outside of the main office for all the teachers to see. Some teachers who taught fifth grade would often stop by my classroom and enquire about me. I'd beat even the fifth graders for that contest.

I was so proud because while I struggled in a lot of subjects writing was not one of them. I loved books. I loved to make up stories. Books were my escape at a time when I felt trapped. Authors like Shel Silverstein, Roald Dahl, Judy Blume, Peggy Parish, Sandra Cisneros, Ann M. Martin, and many more. I admired the creativity and loved to read their books as a child. As I grew I loved fantasy books, romance books, adventure books, mystery books.

All of this was my escape. I would go to the library get at least five or six books at at a time. I would then go home turn on some music and read to muffle out where I lived and how. I began to write when I stumbled on a website called winglin at age 11 or 12. I began writing fanfiction. Not very good ones but I was happy to get a couple views ranging from 25 to 100. From there I moved to Asianfanfics and later Wattpad.

When I was fifteen I came down with a very bad case of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a month. I spent those days reading. I had the Twilight Books with me. I know. Typical teenager stuff but it was the most normal thing about me I supposed. By the time I graduated I was depressed, my grades stopped mattering and College was out of the question for me. I did not have the money or the will to go. I went to community college when my teachers all wondered what the hell I was doing there because I was "Better than that".