The Shrump Chronicles (Donald Trump x Shrek) (Shronald)

Chapter 13: Thoughts on Fatherhood

Covfefe appeared to sleep as Shrek placed him under his bed. He would be safe there from the vicious swamp-lizards that lived in the walls.

Shrek was so happy to be a father.

His own father had tried many times to eat him when he was young and Shrek looked back on those memories fondly. Shrek had, of course, won the ongoing eating battle in the end and had consumed his father at the tender young age of four and a half ogre-years (around 4.20 human years). His father had been far larger than Shrek and had taken two ogre months (roughly 69 human days) to fully devour. Delicious.

Shrek sat on his bed, the bedsprings scrunchy-noising as he did so. He was emotionally tired from becoming a father in the span of two days but he wouldn't have it any other way. The only thing left for him to do was marry the orange lumpfish/mother of his child whom he so adored. He decided he would have to propose soon. Shrek had no ring and no money to buy one but maybe he could make one.

He pondered what he could use to make a ring. The tail of a rat? No, too dummy thicc to fit comfortably around his lover's tiny finger. Maybe he could tie a pube into a loop and make a ring out of that? No, Shrek only had a single pubic hair and he wanted to see how long it would grow. A nose hair however would make the perfect engagement ring, he had plenty to spare.

Shrek got up and grabbed his special tweezers (the dismembered pinchers of his pet crab that had died in a horrible accident last February) and stuck them up his fat nostril. He plucked out a delightful hair which he then tied in a loop and stored safely in his pocket. Donald would surely love how personal and thoughtful the ring was.

Shrek sat back down on his bed. He should really email Donkey. His friend hadn't been in the cafeteria during his child's birth so he felt the need to update his best friend. He whipped out is ogre-phone (a phone for ogres) and typed out a message.

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To: Donkey
Subject: today day

Hey Donkey pal. Guess the news I have. Do not actually guess, I will tell the news. The news is as follows, here is the news:

I had kid. Donald did birth my son on this blessed day. I am daddy. The baby is named Covfefe, though I cannot pronounce that name so maybe I'll give it a nickname. The baby looks delicious but I will try to stave off my hunger by eating the cobblestones in my yard until it is ripe. I hope you are having a day of good like mine. I hope the donkey gods are smiling down upon you as the ogre ones are for me. You're an uncle now. I hope you like it.

I plan to ask Donald to be my wife. I do not yet know how I will pop the question. I'm sure I will live happily ever after just like in the stories on my toilet paper.

I will hopefully see you tomorrow at school. We will talk then of my new fatherhood and how you will inevitably be my best man at Donald's and my wedding. My best donkey. My noble steed.

Sincerely me
Me being Shrek
This is Shrek by the way

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An expertly crafted email if he did say so himself. He pressed send and it went "woosh" into the void to be delivered to Donkey.