Undeniable Chemistry

Chapter 22 | Always? Always.

Carl Duncan above ^^^^

Gotta love HSMTMTS :)

Chapter 22 | Always? Always.

3:00 am

I'm up, before my alarm. Again. The pain still made itself very much known in my body. I lifted my shirt and looked down at my stomach. The bruises and cuts were present as ever.

Only a few more months to go then off to university I go. So with this knowledge, why did part of me feel guilty? I can't deny I haven't thought about staying, after all, he is my father...by blood at least.

He hits me until I'm bloody and weak to the point where I pass out then laughs. He watches as I stand helpless against the men that take advantage of my body.

He sees all this and yet he doesn't care. Why?

I never would've imagined that the one person I thought I could feel the safest in would be the person to hurt me the most. That's the funny thing about abuse, it's...unexpected.

Sure, I've been dealing with it for years but, every time he hits me, it shocks me all over again. My father hates me so much he almost kills me. What sin did I commit? Was I destined to be some super evil villain so I'm getting my punishment now?

I know I should say something, tell someone, maybe Sloane? But I...I can't. He's the last thing I have. No one else wants me. The bruises on my arm are a constant reminder and believe me, I'd like a different life. But I don't have one, so I deal with it. I don't want to tell Tyler, Dylan, Ethan, Tess, Ali or anyone else because the damage is already done.

At the end of the day what's done is done. The scars run deeper than the surface of my skin so what's the point in trying when it's...pointless. I'm like crumpled paper. Iron it, flatten it out, do whatever, at the end of the day, you still see the wrinkles, no matter how small they're still there.

So I'll put my wall high up, I'll smile and laugh to mask the pain. But maybe one day, I can help kids like me. Maybe...one day...

Then there's the anxiety. On top of the fact that I'm in constant pain and have scars all over both in and outwardly, I just have to have anxiety. Feeling the rising pressure in my chest, the lack of air, the tears falling faster than I can control them. They always happen at the worst time.

I used to be invisible so no one would notice. I could cry and scream and my voice would be silenced. No one cared. But here, now, with my friends, it's easier...sort of. Because now there's only one place I feel lonely. Home. If I can even call it that. To me, it's just a house. It has its walls but it's empty. Cold and empty.

So the anxiety attack kinda makes the whole thing worse if you ask me. It's hard, it's really hard. To smile and look so cheerful and happy but to be in antagonizing pain inside.

There was a time when I was depressed. Never smiled, never laughed, although then I didn't know what it was, I wasn't sad, angry, happy, anything. I was just...there.

I used to sit in my room with all the lights off, I'd hang with my 'friends' and feel lonelier than ever, I'd try to laugh but it never came out. Not even a smile.

I fought it though. Battled my way through it. Now I'm not depressed anymore, I'm just living. I stopped wondering what I could do to get him to stop and spent more time on what I can do to get out but getting out means leaving him which means he's alone.

And part of me, that good part of me, doesn't want him alone. I want him to be happy, cheerful, like before. But, I remind myself he couldn't care less about me and keep formulating a plan for my escape.