The Dream Train

I Told You It Was Dumb

Even though it was dark, Analise knew when Sam came into her room. He didn't say anything but he sat by her feet. He caught ahold of her foot through the blanket layers.

"Ana?" His voice was quiet. He was pretty sure she was awake but not positive.

"Yeah?" She whispered.

He gently squeezed her toes. "You were really quiet all evening. Wanna tell me what's wrong?"

Analise was quiet for several seconds. "It's dumb, Sammy."

"Not to me."

Analise sighed. "Kate Hollins was complaining about not being able to go out this weekend because her mom is making her stay home and have a mother-daughter weekend. And it hit me just wrong. I know it shouldn't. I told you it was dumb."

Sam kind of laugh-snorted through his nose. "You are irritated because Kate doesn't realize how lucky she's got it. You are jealous because her mom is around. You feel guilty because our parents are doing something really important and noble and stuff but you still wish they were here. Did I miss anything?"

Analise sat up in bed. She leaned her head on her brother's back and wrapped her arms around him. He put his arms over hers and squeezed. "Yeah. I'm also guilty because Mattie Drewer's mom is dead so if anyone gets to be jealous it should be her and I'm angry because Mattie Drewer's mom would be here if she could and our mom could be here and chooses not to be and I'm pretty sure that makes me a horrible person."

She felt Sam shrug. "If you are, then so am I, because I have all those same thoughts. So at least we are horrible people together."

Analise didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She made a kind of choked laugh and squeezed Sam tighter. "At least there is that."

Sam rubbed her arms that were still wrapped around his chest. "Want me to stay close?"

She nodded against his back.

"Okay. I'll be right back." She released him and he slipped out the door.

 A minute later he came back into her room carrying the cushions off the living room couch. Sam had to turn and angle his body to clear the doorway with the stack. He laid them in a row next to Analise's bed and then walked out and into his own room. He came back with some bedding and quickly turned the row of cushions into a makeshift bed.

Analise knew that fourteen was probably too old to still need her big brother to sleep in her room when she was sad but she was really glad he was still willing to. Once Sam lay down on his improvised cot, Analise reached over the side of the bed. Sam took her hand and held it until her arm started to fall asleep.  

Before she let go she squeezed his fingers tightly. "Thanks, Sammy," She murmured. Then she rolled over and went to sleep.

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Have you ever felt guilty about your feelings?