Speechless

How should I feel? I dont know what to feel.

Why does everything feel so fake? My mind makes up my feelings, I believe they aren't real. I'm like in a simulation, I have choices and codes to fill in. I force smiles and laughs, I make sure no one sees me at my worst. I force emotions so that I'd feel something. I do it so often that lately I don't know what emotion to play. I wear my feelings like clothes and change them when I want to.

***

After school I sat down at my desk as I normally do, I removed my plastered smile and dread everything I've done throughout the day. My life is artificial. Everything is. Society makes me feel like I have to act or feel a certain way. Looking up I stared at myself through the mirror, my pupils the size of a grain of rice. I'm so use to creating my feelings that when I don't my body shuts down.

Looking over to my left was my red speaker, I flipped it over and clicked the power button. I connected it to my phone in hopes music would take my mind of things. I laid on my bed waiting for the lyrics to sink in, the melody to carry me away like it use to, but why can't I feel anything?

I messaged my friends Thea and Judy, maybe they could help. Thea was never much of a soft hearted person, Judy did all of the talking.

"Why do I feel so numb, just mentally?"

I ask, after some time Judy replied back. I was the user and she was my computer, I sent the data I needed in exchange for information to help solve my question.

"It might be because you're burnt out or stressed..you've started overthinking too much lately."

I stared at my ceiling and pretended it was a blank canvas. I thought back of how I've been lately and she was right. Test scores, friends, peers, my parents..they all gave me the sense of pressure or stress.

A few minutes later another notification popped up, it was from Judy.

"You're a people pleaser, you realise that right?"

At first I was hesitant to reply, I didn't want to admit it. I replied with a simple, "I agree" and put my phone away. Everything happened so quick, that's when I broke down I couldn't face anyone. I shut all my barriers and removed myself from the group. I was a people pleaser. She was right.

I laid on my bed silently, I remember having a blank expression. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my thoughts were frazzled, I suddenly felt like everything was my fault. I didn't know why I cried or why I felt this way. Why couldn't my body create a feeling..a fake one? Something to remove me from this demented reality. I was angry, and then sad, and then happy..what is wrong with me?

I stood up and pulled on my hair, the palms of my hand hit me continuously. Looking up to my mirror I saw a reflection that wasn't mine, a girl who wanted to please others so bad but not herself. She didn't know what she wanted or who she was. She stared back at me, a lookalike, a decoy, a doppelgänger.

That wasn't me.

Like a mime I glided my hand across the mirror, she was just like me. A empty cast of who I was, a puppet without its puppeteer.

Wiping my tears I self destructed. Removing any traces of what happened. I was afraid to ask for help, it made me feel weak. Seeking for company or any help of the sort was unnecessary, I've been through this before. Another time wouldn't make a difference. I didn't message Judy or any of my friends after. I disappeared like I usually did and hid myself.

A few weeks passed and I've been trying to work on myself. My friends were there for every part of it. I was uncomfortable with sharing how I felt with my sister or family. It wasn't because I didn't trust them, just that I was unsure of how'd they react to everything. I was afraid of being judged, insulted, or thrown away. I just wanted support and reassurance.

Finally I was starting to feel like me again! To be honest I don't really know what 'me' felt like, its more of a distant memory then a fresh one. Convinced I had 'me' back I went home confidentially. I swore that no tears would come down today.

Of course, I was wrong.

Time seemed to be passing by in slow motion. My reactions and others words were delayed, I felt empty again. I was so stressed when the feeling returned. I was doing so well but what now? My room became a cave I cried in, the feeling of nothing hung on my head like a invisible veil. It blurred my vision but only I knew so. My slump body ached in pain. I fought with my feelings. I wanted to control everything. I denied my feelings and refused them to sink in. No one understands how I feel. Everyone would judge me, why am I so soft? Why can't I be tough or thick skinned like the other girls.

"They wear cute bows and pearl necklaces, keep up with the trends and are popular. The whole class opposite me likes them, please do that to me to. Like me. I can wear the clothes they have too. I can dress up for you. My test scores are great, I promise I wont leave you. I promise I can make you happy. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THEM. WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. I do everything in my will to make others happy."

That was all I could hear in my head, a cassette on loop. My stomach churned and I felt sick, my skin became pale and cold. I looked forwards and an image of everyone staring at me in the school hallways was projected in front of me.

Then, I blacked out.

***

Through personal experiences I've realised how my mind forces itself to forget things, when I'm very stressed its normal for me to forget easily. My mind discards all the negative thoughts to make space for new ones. There was a point in my life where I would cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason, but truthfully it was because I wanted to 'feel' something. 

I felt so lost and lonely. I would overthink things I did throughout the day and my mind would exaggerate them. After seeking medical help I was diagnosed with depression, I had suicidal thoughts at a very young age. Stress killed me. Pressure put me into a deep void and to cope with it I removed any memories or thoughts of things that disturbed me. At times I would black out mid way and forget what I had done before, I questioned why I felt a certain way or where I was. When things like these happened it would feel as if it were all a dream, nothing felt real.

This mental numbness has been going on for a very long time, I'm trying to fix my old habits and when I can ask for help. I don't want to be ashamed of my personal problems, maybe one day I can tell someone how I feel, face to face. At the moment the best way to get me talking is a keyboard. It's hard for me to explain out loud, I always stutter or lose focus when I do.

If you're having a rough time mentally do not be ashamed in telling someone you trust, your body cant endure all the pain alone. It will take some time but asking for advice or telling someone about your problems is way better then bottling them up. Some find it hard to tell others their feelings and I do too. You can always start by expressing emotions in things you love such as art, or what I'm doing is writing.

At the time of writing these short stories I'm still on my journey of recovery, finding the true me and going with the flow. I wish those who read this a great day and that you're amazing.