Speechless

Apologies

Here I am again, at my pity party account. It's been a while since I've updated this account, so much has happened in my life. I'm drained mentally and anxious.

Same old, same old eh?

Don't get me wrong I have gotten better mentally in the last few months, I've met many amazing people and left some too. But one thing I still need help on is..

Apologising

This one person I wish to apologise to has been a blessing to me. Although they don't know it, I hope it's obvious I still care about them. The way I've treated them previously was terrible, I ask myself, "how could I be so stupid?".

I'm not their muse or even someone special. I'm merely a memory, a ghost of the past, maybe even a nuisance. I keep them in my prayers and hope for the best. I hope they're happy, healthy and overall healed from what I've done.

What have I done you may ask? Its simple.

I was a bad partner.

Woah, crazy right? Another love story. I'm sorry to bore you so early, but most of my problems started from love. Caring too much, choosing the wrong people, unable to let go and more.

One things for sure is that I was unable to show you enough love, I was unable to protect you when we were together and after. I bombarded you with negativity and so much hate. I dragged you through hell and back, for once I didn't feel an inch of remorse or empathy towards a person.

I hated you.

Maturing made me realise the problem was me. I never said I love you, showed you affection or anything. It was so one sided I wonder how you even lasted.

I was insecure of being with you, I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't doing enough, or that you were talking to other people whilst I turned my back.

My anxiety clouded the picture of you. I'm sure you meant no harm, but everything happens for a reason.

In the first chapter of this series I talk about this person, but in reality we both had our faults. It wasn't just them.

We were immature and fresh into the idea, the pain I carried over the years was all because I still loved you. I may not love you romantically now but you mean the world to me, all the late night talks and jokes always stuck with me.

You're in love with someone new whilst I'm here stuck, too scared to venture further. I've been hurt, used, lied to and I believe it's the karma I had for treating you so horribly.

To remove the pain I do things to distract my thoughts, I've recently gotten into dresses and bought a few. Confidence is key as I say, maybe if I'm more comfortable and confident I can finally say goodbye.

But who am I kidding? Do the efforts I put in to looking better really work. I'm looking for someone who loves me for me, not the way I look.

I'm learning to love myself and prioritise self love. It can get lonely, but what's the use of being in love if I can't even appreciate me?

The body of emotions which swallow me at night bring me back to who we use to be, to be honest I wasn't even in my best mental state. I was so fucked up in the brain that the only time I was really, really happy was with you or simply being alone. Was I even me with you? My memory is so blurred it's like smudged ink on paper.

My stomach churns at all the shit I've done to you, all of what I've said about you, all of what I painted you out to be.

We were two worlds too different, one was ready for love whilst the other was still looking for it. I looked for love within me, and to fill the void I placed you in there.

You didn't deserve this. You weren't made for me, and I wasn't made for you.

If for some reason we ever cross paths again, but as different people, I promise you..I'll try my best to make up for everything I've done.

I hope that my prayers have been answered, you're with them happily, I'm stronger and that I've finally let go.

I'm getting ready to go, to move away from this. To feel love with someone new, to love me, and to see you happy, even though it's not me who is by your side.

If you're reading this, I hope they love you enough, take care of you, make you smile, make you laugh, make you feel loved and most importantly they make you happy.

I couldn't be the one to do that, so I hope they fix all of what I've broken.

I'm made like a delicate vase, I chip, I break and I'm fragile. Your love were the flowers which accompanied me, but I only knew that you were the centrepiece when what we had weakened.

I feel empty, but I know one day, I will feel whole again.

Thank you for loving me.