Speechless

My heart, soul and mind

Looking at you from afar has allowed me to see things in a broader perspective. I've realised how much love I already have. No, it may not be that of romance, but that of true friendship and those I can call family.

Today something changed, I felt a fresh breath of air. Seeing you again today, was different.

You made me realise that I have so many people supporting me, so many that love me no matter my flaws; those who are willing to lend a hand no matter the problem.

I sit in art class, cross legged and pencil in one hand. There around me I saw those who I considered family, despite not being blood related.

I recall what happened in the morning. I was there, present and laughing my ass off. Though I was anticipating your arrival I felt at peace, I messed around with my friends and cracked a few jokes.

I felt so in place, so in the moment.

Just the night before I was having dinner with new and refreshing people. I looked at all of them with questions of what could be and the future which is so near. I felt accepted, loved and appreciated.

I can only look at you with eyes of ponder, although what has happened made me feel weak and vulnerable; this experience has opened my eyes to a different view in life.

The anger and frustration instilled in me is only temporary, as a human I can merely only forgive..but never forget.

I miss our memories, but not the pressure. I miss what we had, even though it felt as if I had lost everything. I miss that feeling of being in a relationship, but not the feeling of being confused. I miss the feeling of bliss, but do I miss you as a whole? I cannot differentiate it. Do I really miss you, or just the memories you had made with me?

I'm in awe with how well you are doing, I'm frankly jealous of it. I am impressed with how fast things were over for you.

Maybe I was only there to fill the void, maybe I was there just to satisfy your needs, maybe I was just there as an accommodation. I do not believe the feeling you had for me was truly love, even I myself cannot explain it.

Although it may take me longer to get fully back on track, I can only savour the moments which are now. My motivation to prove myself has gotten stronger.

No, I am no academic genius; nor a scholar in any way. But with the little efforts I put in and extra classes, I'm sure I can succeed.

Sure the questions I have about what we were and what we could've been run around in my mind, I have only learnt to push them away. It hurts at first, I am disappointed in myself. But only then, will I fully learn to heal.

Maybe the idea of us being friends or acquaintances can seem like a foreign idea at the moment, but only then will I finally let you go. No grudges or feelings of hatred and anger.

I fear of being alone, having no one to be there for me. I do feel like this sometimes, seeing that you no longer text me. But as I said, silence is not my enemy.

Texting or speaking to friends and family can be different to that of a romantic partner, but I may just lack to see the fact that there are already people here who love me.

The love they give is sufficient, never less and always enough.

Even writing this now I wonder how you've healed so fast, but at the end of the day; I am only human. Maybe you didn't even need to heal at all. But those can only be classified as assumptions.

No, I am not a person who is fast paced when it comes to healing or understanding myself; but at least in the end, no matter how long it takes, I will heal.

As much as I want this process of loss to go by faster, what's the use if I cannot heal properly?

I will not use someone to fill the empty space in my heart, but instead find how I can fulfil it myself.

It's not going to be easy, but what is life without its challenges?

We all cope and heal in different ways, so I should never blame myself for not healing as fast as I want to. It only shows that I am taking care of myself, slowly.

When I'm alone, my thoughts drown out the noise, but once I get back to the present I realise it's not as bad as it seems.

One day I will stop wondering who those messages are for, who those stories are for and what you think of me.

I'm only a human, a teenage girl with dreams of going big one day. A heart so fragile and a brain so fogged.

I hope that the future me is doing well, healing and happy. Once this soreness in my heart goes away, I'm sure I will be back up and running again.

One day, my heart, soul and mind will be fulfilled once more. I will be able to appreciate things in the moment and have no worries. Just one day.

I will learn that this fear of loneliness can be fixed by my own efforts. Even without a partner in mind. I can do this, no matter how long it takes.