Speechless

My inner child

Hello little me, how are you? I know things have been tough but you'll pull through. Although it may seem a lot in the moment, I know you'll make it. Take a pause and look around, I'm sure you're safe and sound, don't let the monster scare you or bring you down. Although I'm not from the present I'll protect you from here. The air which suffocates your lungs will soon be gone, with prayers or love from the person you call "mum". I'm no angel or saint, but I promise to keep you safe. Your little heart can't possibly take all this hate. You're so young yet your thoughts are dark, eventually you yearned to meet your creator up above.

Forgive the monster who has done this to you, wether she's called you loony or nothing but a broken screw; the monster which hurts you has her own battles to fight. But you're too young to understand it through and through, she cries silently regretting her choices, as she's seen many things even worse than you've imagined. The sounds of screams from the room next to me, echo through my house like an empty, deserted valley. I hear your cries little one but you dare not tell anybody, as the monster has threatened you repeatedly. You know nothing more but to keep your mouth shut. The dollhouse which you live in always has the curtains shut.

No one will know about the pain and violence, as long as this monster keeps being violent. Sometimes she's nice, so sweet and silent, but then when the full moon strikes, her claws come out sharpened. The claws sink into my heart, stabbing it with no mercy, the blood which trickled down my legs leave marks on the soft, white, bedding.

My thoughts which indulge in fantasies of suicide, have never left my mind even in the present time. It whispers to me quietly in the dead of the night, "why don't you give that balcony another try?" ,  the blue, handled knife which was placed on my bedside, looks at me grinning, reminding me of what happened that night. So close to cutting me open, my skin felt like gift wrap I wanted to open.

This monster placed me on a pedestal, be the best it says or this may be my funeral, I could see my gravestone being engraved, with my full name on a stone slab, which was coloured grey. But everything felt so normal, like it happened all the time, the little girl inside me had perished and died. My will to live had disappeared into dust, leaving nothing but broken pieces in my heart.

The news broke out of my many attempts, she called me a fool and was embarrassed in front of her friends. My family looked down on me even the monster in my head, but you were the ones who caused all this pain and agony? Please just give me a chance.

My sister held me tight and reassured me everything would be okay, my friends were just thankful I was diagnosed right away. The depression and anxiety which I had developed over the years, makes me think to myself, "Would this all be different if the monster weren't here?".

All my trauma and guilt which I held in my hands, has shaped me into the person I am today. Now I'm sitting in class typing away, I hope inspire others with my stories; or help them with any problems they have personally. I want my stories to be a beacon of hope, that even in the darkest times there is always an open road. The road will lead you to a safe place, and maybe even have bridge that you can cross to this scared space.