Speechless

My goodbye.

18th of April, 2024. A letter of love, filled with nothing but the intent of apologies.

My sweet, sweet, angel, have you rested enough? Have you eaten? Have you eaten your medicine? I am not well at the moment, and cannot take care of you. My heart is swollen, up my throat and beating heavily. My mind is so clouded by the sounds and words around me that I have no clue what or where I am right now. Soon, time will heal me, maybe I will be strong enough again. As of now, my mouth and lips remain parched, with words I only wish to say. I write this with a heavy heart, but with feelings so confusing I can't explain it.

I lose sight of what we were, my feelings are like a broken compass; directionless and absolutely spiralling. I have become what I have most resented, a person who lost their feelings. My body is motionless, swallowed by the words of those around me. Slowly their voices chew on my already broken heart, so eager to be healed right now. I'm back in the hospital, hidden so deeply inside my brain. There my subconscious sits at a bar, arms gangly; holding onto a cup, presumably filled with the feelings I'm keeping somewhere within me.

This time around, Ms Subconscious had ordered her whiskey neat. The bartender agreed, but wondered why she hadn't ordered it with mixers, or "sweeteners" to dilute its taste. She smiled and answered calmly "Like love, some say it's sweet, but others may find it dry and bitter. As of now I'm finding out which spectrum I'm on. Why dilute a feeling which can be different for everyone? I'm finding myself, slowly eh?" The light bulb which hung above the two, flickered and buzzed. She continued with a cold yet calm voice, "Sure I'm known to like the sweeter things in life, but it's time to get back to finding the true me."

The bartender poured the brown liquid into a chilled glass, handing it to Ms Subconscious, placing it on the worn out bar table with a clink.

"Back again Ms Subconscious?"

Ms Subconscious looked up with eyes filled with doubt, pupils so empty it looked like a black hole.
Her gangly arms reached out to grab the glass, sipping it slowly with the gulps getting deeper and deeper each sip.

"Mr guilt, you know that's confidential information."

There on the bartenders vest was a rusted name tag, Mr Guilt was his name. The man who stood in front of her, old, hair straight as a twig. His body was scrawny, almost bone like to the touch. He forced up a smile and took out a glass vile, no bigger than his pinky finger.

He held it in front of her face, swinging his corpse like fingers along with it. It was a love potion.

Ms Subconscious drank her last sip and threw the glass against the foggy bar window. The neon light which hung in front of it bursted into a million pieces. She stood up calmly, her red heels clacking against the greasy marble floor. Before she left, she turned to face Mr Guilt once more.

"She can and will pull through this time. Let time tell and let feelings bloom on their own. We may not have found our pathway to fate yet but if god wills, maybe their paths will meet again; Mr Guilt."

Mr Guilt smoothed his vest and pocketed the vile.

"You know I will get to her first before you do, Ms Subconscious."

As she stepped foot out the door she perked a smile.

"You might reach her first but only true love and honesty will prevail. Why play with the power of fate Mr Guilt?"

And with that she disappeared into the dimly lit street. Mr Guilt had morphed into the shadows which covered the bar, making his way to find my body once again. He lives in the shadows within my mind, waiting to strike my weak heart.

Ms Subconscious stood next to my sleeping body, embracing me with a hug. There she was again, in the old hospital room. I lay quietly, tears streaming down my pale cheeks. I long to recover and heal from the wounds I had slashed into my own heart.

"Love is something you can only gain, and maybe someday..this feeling which you have lost will make its way back to you again. You have spoken what you've longed to say. You can only hope they understand. After all, feelings aren't really lost. It's only a matter of time which can heal you now."

Slowly my eyes drifted to a quiet slumber. Maybe I did long for the kiss we shared that day, one last time before I had to go. I felt so empty. But I had made my decision, maybe it's best for both of us. Because my sweet angel I could never bare seeing you hurt anymore. The burdens on your shoulders were something I could never help you fix. I could only grasp this feeling in my heart knowing you may have felt broken off this whole time. Before I left I could only wish that my company had been some use to you. You never deserved the pain that you went through, that child which I deemed so hard to protect was also the one who I had hurt today.

That night was the first time I ever dreamt of you. We had gone for pilgrimage, but oddly you were there. In white robes?

Only god knows how much I wanted this to work, how the prayers I put my heart and soul in hurt. I woke up back in my bedroom, hair matted and eyes drowsy. I took my headphones off as the sunlight which creeped into my bedroom shined into my eyes.

My phone was almost at three percent, I hate to admit it but maybe I did wish you would text me first. I held myself back that night because I could not face you anymore. The guilt had started crawling in, seeping into my skin.

I sat on the cold wooden floor, crying again. Your notifications absolutely crushed me. The things which you bought me stare at me blankly. My hands could only type what I felt was deemed appropriate. But god knows there was so much more I would have said. My heart could only drop knowing I wasn't able to be there to tell you to sleep early, and rest well. Knowing that I'm no longer the one able to tell you not to overwork yourself. I care for you, so, so much. But I no longer have a place to be the one nagging you to do so. So when I'm away, finding myself; let my past reminders stick.

I close this story with only one wish, that if you were to find someone new in this near future; they will take care of you, and heal the parts which I was unable to care for. Let them nag you as much as I did, and let my love for you be an everlasting memory which you can look fondly back on. I love you, my sweet, sweet angel.

Till we meet again, my sweet prince :)