Speechless

Sweet, sweet love.

There it is once again, the feeling of bliss. A feeling of love so sweet and fresh. Like the flowers of a tulip field.

But it scorns me, like a fire of an undying flame. It hurts me, a little too deeply.

You play with my feelings like a toy, and yet I'm still fighting with myself over you. I'm telling myself that loving you is a mistake and that anything after this is nothing but pure stupidity.

I talk to my friends about you and tell them that you're stupid or don't matter, but how much of that is really true? Yes you are stupid and yes you are a coward but at the same time my stupid little heart can't get over you.

Every time I think I'm getting closer to leaving this hellscape there you are again. I cry myself in reassurance that everything will be okay. I'm not afraid to love again but you are making it difficult.

Why can't you be the sweet person that you were that very night. That very night you apologised for texting me over and over again. Why can't that be the man I'm in love with today?

You make me listen to the playlist I've dreaded saving, you make me wait for your notifications but my heart is still on guard. I'm protecting myself from what a monster you could be, the person who could chew me up and spit me out. I'm protecting myself from hurting myself the same way the others did.

Never again will I be in a relationship that hurt me so deeply, never again will I ever be with someone who is unable to love me, never again will I ever be a second choice.

Oh how easy it would've been if you were to be my number one, if you were to lie to me so sweetly. But this time it's different.

I still wish to fall into your arms and love you, but I trust that If time were to separate us; so be it.

I regret holding your hand that day, I regret messaging you that night and I regret crying over you. I regret loving you so much when you were loving someone else. I don't want to envy that girl anymore, I don't want to get my hopes high. I don't want to feel the feeling of "chance" with you. No chance, no coin, and no fortune teller can tell me how we'd end up.

I only wish that you don't hurt me. Please let me down slowly. Don't hurt the heart that took so many months to fix. Please don't play with my feelings, please don't lie to me. Please don't make rash decisions and please think everything through. Don't give me the hope that I'd be picking out a prom dress this year, or that I'd be dancing with you, my head rested on your shoulder, quietly humming the song of the night.

I sound as if there could be a spark between us but we know that's impossible. Don't make me remind myself why I fell in love with you. Don't make me think you'll ever love me. Because even though you'll never know how much I truly loved you, my tears have done enough.

I type this with a heavy heart, so desperate for god and reality to slap me in the face. Why are you still here? Stop liking my stories, stop looking at me, stop making me think that you could ever be kind. Stop making me think we'd ever become a thing.