Speechless

I hate myself

"You're so cheerful..its as if your energy never runs out!" Says another person in my life. There's no lie in the energetic part, but under all of that there's a reason to why I am. All of the self doubt, hatred and anxiousness crawls under my skin devouring me slowly. This constant ringing in my head telling me to die has been there since I was seven, my attempt in doing so failed. Pressure is put on me like a wedding veil, it blurs my vision almost all so slightly.

***

You're not annoying they say, you're energy is what I want, they say. But on the inside I'm nothing that you'd wanna be. The voice inside your head asking wether your friends really like you or just pity you sways in your mind like a lost boat. I ask them relentlessly, "am I annoying?" They all reply no. Yet its hard to believe them. I sit in my room alone covered in sweat and the guilt of being someone's worst nightmare.

I joke about my trauma constantly as a coping mechanism, but sometimes jokes aren't enough. My counsellor says to block these thoughts out but it isn't as easy as it seems. The person in my head drives me mad, they make me overthink, cry, shout, scream and at points make me want to die. As I take my last breath I hope this person leaves me alone.

Many say I have bubbly personality, someone who's outgoing, someone who can make friends easily. Surely there's a secret to that, my friend asks. I say things come naturally to me, which is true in most cases. There's those who call me manipulative, good at my craft as they say.

Honestly, I just

Don't wanna be lonely.

Sitting in a quiet room makes thoughts run back to me. I'm constantly listening to music because of that, as I'm writing this Spotify is on full blast. Anything to help me escape this dark void is enough for me. I say I'm getting better, but at times I slip back to my old self. The weak, vulnerable, manipulated little girl I was. Building a better me was never easy. I was just good at hiding it.

When I'm in group chats I try my best to stay active, not missing a beat. If i do, my friends say it's cause I'm going through something. and they're right, I physically cant reply anyone and shut myself out. Luckily, this hasn't happened in a while. I'm feeling better. Nonetheless
If people don't reply me, leave me on seen or delivered I always assume the worst. I'm guilty of doing those things myself but sometimes its not on purpose. I sit their staring at my screen, waiting anxiously. I look insane, constantly refreshing my notification bar, opening messages and lastly throwing or hiding my phone.

***

Honestly I have no words to say for this one, Ive needed and always have needed help. I do say this a lot to reach out! But even I cant do that sometimes. Just one day, when I'm ready; I'll be happy. Healthy both physically and mentally, when that time comes is something only the future holds. I'm thankful for everything I've gotten, even though; I at times, still need an extra push.