Speechless

I cant breathe

At a young age I developed anxiety, I struggle to breathe, to talk and to make sense of what's around me. My pupils dilate into small grains of salt, empty and cold. My hands shake vigorously with trickles of sweat dripping off them, I hold on tight to what little hope I have left inside me before blacking out. My memory gets hazy and so do my eyes, I tense up with my head aching in pain. It's like an imaginary tsunami which submerges all of me into its deep, deep waters. It's dark down there, with no one to save me, only my lifeless body floating on emotions which act like water, and memories, of what had happened before, carrying me away.

***

I'm sitting on the grey, tiled bathroom floor, my friend who I'll call angel, hugs me tight. My lungs suffocate and my throat feels like it's caved in on itself, my salty tears drip down slowly. The bright lights which shined into my eyes blind me, I couldn't hear anything as everything had become a loud murmur. A gibberish back noise as I'd remembered. Angels heartbeat was close to me, I tried to breathe, with loud gasps and my body clenching up. The water that they had given me was cold, it streamed down my throat like a river, silky and smooth. This temporary fix would be followed with forced breathes as I physically couldn't do it on my own. I fiddled with my hands, my nails scraping against each other and angels ring turning on my finger.

I felt like a lunatic.

I was escorted out, my arms being held by my teacher as I helplessly walked forward. The sounds which I felt had taken me in, covered my ears, a sudden silence of chaos, like a jukebox suddenly the volume was up again. everyone's voices blended in like watercolour on a pallet, so many conversations, so many feelings and so many actions. As if my eyes were a camera, all of what I saw was blurry or blobs of colour. I wasn't sure if I'd make it out alive, my lips were dry and stung each time I answered my teachers questions.

I entered what seemed to be a trance, the office which my teacher put me in was very quiet. The tapping of the administrator, the sips of water, and the creaks of the clinic bed..it was all amplified.

My head turned and my stomach was sick. A woman with a sweet smile held my hand and asked me slowly, "What happened?" I replied with a shaky voice, clearing my throat and wiping nose, "I had a panic attack, I don't know what to say..everything seems so loud..I'm scared.."

She chuckled and assured me everything was alright, she ruffled through her drawers and took out a blood pressure machine. I was rather intimated, worrying that something was wrong, that this really was my last breath; but all she did was simply wrap it around my upper arm. The sound of the Velcro was scratchy, it was a deep, dark blue. I remember it felt plasticky and rubbery, it tightened and my arm was sore. A robotic voice spoke from the little machine, reading out my results. I felt a wave of relief in the room, her eyes brightened and removed the clasp.

"A colleague of mine would like to meet you, if its okay she'll pick you up shortly. Don't be afraid, she'll simply make sure your okay and take care of you."

The trance I was in snapped, I was back in the present. Although not in the best mood, I mustered up a smile and nodded. It was short but I was sincere, sooner than expected, a small woman walked in. Her heels tapped on the smooth floor, her smile lit up the room. A gush of a spring like aura hit me, goosebumps made their way up my skin as I slowly looked up. Ms S put her hand out, her hand met with mine and immediately I was hypnotised.

Her sweet personality felt like home, her energy gave me comfort, she swept me off my feet. Almost like meeting an old friend, or someone I'd known for years; my body was calm, no longer tense as it was before. She lead the way to a small yet big elevator, as she pushed the button it beeped loudly. She talked about herself and even asked me to tell her about my own life.

I asked myself, who is this person? Why do you seem so loving, so caring..and almost like family to me? My trust issues were confused, how could a woman I know for just 5 minutes feel like family?

I don't know.

As I approached her office a burst of colour hit me, unlike the office before the lights were yellow. My eyes rested from all the blinding lights from before, the smell of coffee tickled my nose. There were bags of food on her table, seemed to be she had just finished eating lunch. I remember there being two sofas and a green, leather bean bag.

What had triggered the attack was that I felt like an outcast, all eyes were on me and that I was only some weird apparition which floated amongst them all. Who am I kidding, I'm no professional singer, I don't wow people with the voice I have, yet I still made it here. My schools music festival, undoubtedly one of my schools biggest events. How, a person like me..make it with all these other talented, creative, innovative musicians?

It was just impossible.

Ms S looked at me, her eyes indulged with what I had to say. Her soft voice answered back,

"You didn't just make it here, you were chosen to be here. Your teachers were willing to fly you out here because they saw potential. I believe all you need is confidence, without any prior training its impressive you made it to this music festival. You may think everyone has their eyes on you, but trust me they think the same way. They're self conscious, and worried that they're out of place too."

Her words of assurance made me breathe again, she told me a story. It went that one day she had shown up to work with mismatched shoes, yet no one noticed. Even when she asked others if there was anything weird about her; all brushed over her mismatched shoes. Even those who were close up simply said, "You got a haircut?". I laughed along with her, we cracked jokes and talked more to each other. Her story showed me that people just..don't observe, although some do it comes to an extent.

Before doing one mental exercise, she gave me a little brown bear, It's fur was soft and rather shiny; it wore a orang shirt which wrote Sentosa Singapore on it. I was attached and later that day named it Riley. Riley was my companion, my anxiety buddy. Each time I need an extra hand Riley was there to be held close.

The activity which I had done was called "the river technique" you as the reader can do it too. I sat down, relaxed, with my legs against the seat. Eyes shut and at the calmest state of mind, breathing in and out slowly, I imagined a river. It was a river placed by a body of land. The land which surrounded me had fresh, green grass, and a large oak tree. The sun shined, with wind blowing against my skin. I saw my friends holding me, some were sitting next to me, others stood behind. Their voices telling me I could do this. But if you prefer to be alone, imagine the river with only you by its side. My thoughts good or bad were placed on a leaf, streaming slowly down the stream; but if a thought were ever to get stuck, I shouldn't push it. Eventually it would float away on its own. And If ever got distracted, to breathe again once more, and transport myself back to this safe haven of mine.

When the activity was done, all had come back to normal. Ms S brought me back to my group and I was back to work, till this day I still remember her and all the stories she had told me. I remember the steps to her office, the sound of her voice, along with the aura which made me feel like home.

***

I know many students struggle with anxiety and I'm one of them too. This is only one one of many experiences I have had before, panic attacks are normal and you shouldn't be ashamed of them. Sometimes your body needs a recharge, and if things get rough it shuts down. Never force yourself to stop this, physically and mentally we all need time to let go.

If you struggle with anxiety find a trusted friend, family member or even a bear to cuddle with. We all need hugs once in a while, the warm feeling of love and care always helps me. To whoever is reading this, why not take a break, drink your favourite drink or even eat a snack. I wish you a good day or night,

Sincerely, from __ .