The City Of Death

Chapter Eleven- Atlas

Sleep never came easy for me, even as a boy. I don't remember much of my childhood in the City- that was so damn long ago. But I remember staying awake for hours, looking out my window and trying to spot any sign of life. For my first few weeks in the Outside, I would sit outside my tent, unable to fall asleep. I was too enamored by every new experience. I would stay outside my tent, trying to spot the stars through the trees, listening to every creature moving in the woods. In the City, I looked for any sign of life. In the Outside, there was so much life that I didn't want to miss any of it. 

Things are a little different now. Now, my sleeplessness has a different cause. After the day is done and there is no more work to be done, that's when my mind catches up to me. During the day, all the memories and negative thoughts are squashed by everything that needs to be done. But in my tent, where there is no sound but the wildlife, those thoughts catch up to me. On a typical night, I stay awake for up to an hour, tossing and turning and trying to trick my mind into falling asleep. 

But tonight, it takes me an embarrassingly long time to finally sleep. 

Macy. She's all I can think about. Her very presence has swept through my brain like a wildfire, destroying everything in its path. At first, it had all been about Skye. How much Macy looked like her. She reminded me of all the memories I'd tried to keep buried. But as the day went on, I started to see the subtle differences. They are so subtle, in fact, that I'm not even sure I can name them. But once I started to see those, my shifts drifted away from Skye and landed solely on Macy. 

There's so much I'd like to tell her. So much I need to ask her- but not yet. I want to give her some time to settle in and understand how we do things around here. She seemed reluctant, at first, to accept our beliefs and rituals, but many are. Our rules- how few of them there may be- are much different from the ones in the City. It takes time for new recruits to understand and accept our way of life. Eventually, they all do. Once they get that first taste of freedom, they're hooked. After that, they start to see and accept the beauty and life and family. 

Macy already looked the part of a Renegade in that green jumpsuit of hers. Gemma had gone on and on about how she wanted someone to take the jumpsuit, how she'd worked so hard on it. Thank the stars that she can put that behind her. But while Macy might look the part, I can sense that she has reservations. There's something she's not saying, some question she hasn't asked. And if I have to guess, it has to do with Skye. But until she asks, that's not a subject I'm willing to bring up. 

Instead, my thoughts start to drift back to Macy in the green jumpsuit. The way it hugged her body, the way it felt when she was pressed against me during the music. And just as it had done then, the mere thought of it sent something stirring inside of me, all the way to my...

Pull yourself together, man. You're acting like a horny teenager. When was the last time I'd gotten laid? It's been some time if merely having a beautiful woman pressed against my side is getting me all worked up like this. But, the truth of the matter is, there aren't really any options for me here. There are twelve female Renegades, not counting Rosalie. Four of them are taken, and another one is pining after someone else. And I'm too close of friends with the other seven for something like that. 

So yeah, it's been some time. 

Knowing I'm not going to sleep anytime soon, I pull myself out of my sleeping bag and exit the tent, breathing in the cool night air. The sky above me is glittering with thousands of stars- hundreds of thousands of them. I remember standing like this, looking at the stars, with someone by my side. That seems like a lifetime ago. I was so much younger then, and so was she. But I got the chance to grow older, to live my life. And she's frozen in eternal youth. 

I lied when I told Macy that I didn't know Skye. The truth is, I knew Skye all too well. I'd known her in more ways than one. We'd only known each other for a short time before her life was changed. Before she got the news that her parents were having another baby. And after that, I rarely saw her, and then she was gone forever. As I watch the stars overhead, I realize why I can't sleep tonight. I know why Macy's presence has me so unsettled. It's not just because I never expected to see her again. It's not because she stirred up feelings I haven't let myself have in some time. It's because she reminded me of one simple fact about Skye. 

Yes, I knew her. I knew her. 

And I miss her.